Um Actually: Kyle the political science major will be the judge of whether you know politics.

I have compiled a list of some possible solutions for low turnout rates amongst younger voters

Some political theorists have attributed the extremely low voter turnout among young people to external factors such as voter suppression and disillusionment with the democratic model as a whole. This is not true. We are a country built on individualism and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. These “external factors” are nothing but commie lies pushed by Soros and all the other far-left multi-billionaires who want to eat the rich. Young people are just lazy, Instagram-loving, hot-chip-eating freeloaders.

I have gathered some solutions to the problem at hand that I think have a chance of being successful if the goal is a higher voter turnout rate. That being said, if you do not agree with my political opinions exactly, I would prefer you went back to “Roblox” or whatever it is you younglings do all day. Regardless, please read my list of suggestions. I crave validation.

Setting the voter age to the retirement age
These retirees treat voting like it’s a God-damn carnival, sure they lack the adequate eyesight to read the ballot, but that is neither here nor there. If young people cannot vote at all, they will not skew our turnout rates. Do you want high turnout or not?

Making election days national holidays
You might think that this would allow young people who work multiple jobs to take time out of their day to do their civic duty. You’d be wrong, that is unless there is free Starbucks and avocado toast at the polling stations.

Telling young people to Pokemon Go to the polls
Historical precedent says this ought to work great.

Removing barriers to voting by expanding the Voting Rights Act
Not going to happen but it might work if it did. To be clear though, under no circumstances will this ever occur in any of our lifetimes. Honestly, you can ignore this suggestion completely.

Pointing a gun at every eligible voter until they vote
Extremely effective but only legal in red states and Vermont.

Offering 10 “Fortnite” V-Bucks to every voter
Studies have shown that this greatly increases turnout among Gen-Z voters but as a downside, it greatly increases voter fraud on the part of people who are not old enough to vote and stole their parents credit card (and voter ID card).

Ending elections entirely
Why not let the rich rule directly? They indirectly do anyways and the current system is far too complicated and obscured by illusions of democracy. If Bezos wants the minimum wage to stay at $7.25 then by God, it will. Another plus is our great nation cannot be judged by its voter turnout if there are no elections.

Banning books
I do not know how this one will solve the issue exactly but my state legislature constantly assures me that it will. I included it on the list however because, as we all know, they have yet to be wrong about anything.

Putting forth candidates all young people do not collectively hate
This solution also is not politically feasible but would likely at least have some effect. By having candidates that–unlike Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton etc.–young people don’t hate, the turnout rates would inevitably rise among young voters. A potential downside to this is voter turnout might decrease among older voters who prefer either racist or incompetent candidates.

Make Twitter polls and option for voting
This would allow for easy voting from home by simply signing into twitter. It also would provide a lot of comedic content for niche internet micro-celebrities and we all obviously want that. For the life of me I cannot think of a single potential downside to this option.

Giving up on politics entirely
This solution does not affect voter turnout but who cares about that stuff anyways? Sure does not affect me, I will post an infographic every few months and that should be enough civic duty to satisfy my ego.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison