We interview Ryan Walters, self-described GOP Communist candidate for Oklahoma State Superintendent.
As the resident political expert/head propagandist/annoying political science classmate, I will use this column to inform all you amateurs on the complexities of politics which you likely won’t understand. I will do my best to stoop to your level and make it simple enough for you. If you are asking why you should care about politics and are a person who calls themself apolitical, I have a fun fact for you: you can’t be apolitical. Laws aren’t website cookies and you cannot opt-out. Pay better attention. Anyway, for this week, I interviewed the GOP’s controversial candidate for State Superintendent. For those of you who live in Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” or play “Fortnite” all the time, the midterms are coming up on November 8th which is more important than ever, regardless of your political leaning.
So, I heard you have recently started calling yourself a “GOP Communist.” What makes you call yourself a communist?
Well, I read “Too Loud a Solitude” by Bohumil Hrabal and was inspired. In truly beautiful prose, Hrabal shows how fun it can be to destroy books.
I did not realize you were such a connoisseur of literature. That is certainly an interesting reading of the novel. Are there any other novels which have influenced your political stance?
“The Book Thief.”
Care to elaborate on that?
Uh, okay. On a different note, if you are elected as State Superintendent will you require students to read these books that have clearly impacted you so greatly?
Nah, I think I’d rather burn them.
Let’s move on. Since you describe yourself as a “GOP Communist,” what Marxist ideas do you avow?
I am not a racist. I do not know why you asked me for this interview if you were going to attack me. Why does everyone say I am racist?
No, not racist, Marxist.
Oh, sorry. It is a touchy subject for me. What is a “Marxist?” Is that when you hate people named Mark? I do not like Mark Ruffalo, if that counts.
Never mind. What part of Communism do you support?
That is an interesting question. My daddy told me that Communism killed 500 billion people through famines and political killings. For this reason, I want to imprison teachers for mentioning gender, sexuality or race in a classroom and I want to end the Free and Reduced Lunch Program for kids by refusing all federal funding for schools.
Fascinating. You mentioned imprisoning teachers, could you elaborate on what would be a punishable offense under your regime?
Basically if a teacher mentions anything that cannot be found in the three Bible verses I know, I will send them straight to jail. Because I am still on the payroll of the remaining Koch brother, my top priority is enacting his Libertarian ideology of arresting people for their political views, or for even mentioning concepts I do not understand.
Thank you for elaborating. Now since we are almost out of time, I wanted to ask, could you provide a quick elevator pitch for a prospective voter who may be undecided on who to vote for in the upcoming Nov. 8 election?
Sure! In layman’s terms, there is a fight between fascism and communism happening right now in America and it is imperative to take a stand in choosing the right side of history. If you want the best censorship from both ideologies, vote Walters this October!
You mean November?