Valentine’s Day Special: [Your Name Here], will you marry me?

I know what you’re thinking. I’m supposed to make the proposal a big thing, not ask you to marry me in a college newspaper. The thing is, I’m kind of low on cash right now, so I couldn’t afford a carriage ride or skywriting, and also I don’t really know who you are.

Here’s the way I see it: I’ve been writing for this paper for a while now. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably seen my name around. You’ve probably enjoyed some of the articles I’ve written, like that Nicolas Cage smut review, or the time I ranked all of the “Fast & Furious” movies by fastness and furiousness. You might feel like you know me, after all the time you’ve spent reading my articles. So why shouldn’t we get married?

Look, you know that I’m funny, since I’m the satire editor at a paper that has been called, “the best four-year college newspaper in the Kendall-Whittier area,” and I know that you think that I’m funny, since you’re still reading this article. I have 3/4 of a bachelor’s degree and a half-finished resume, so you know that I can support you, and I know that you can read, which is really the only thing I look for in a partner at this point.

Not everyone thinks that this plan is a good idea. My mom told me not to do this, and the other editors at the paper refused to run this proposal on the cover. Even the clerk at city hall who I got the marriage certificate from said that this seemed, and I quote, “poorly thought-out.” Some people have even said I’m feeling sad and desperate because I was alone on Valentine’s Day, which is ridiculous! I’m doing this right before Valentine’s day so that you’ll feel sad and desperate, and be more likely to marry a grown-ass man who constantly uses the word “Kafkaesque” without knowing what it means.

People have asked me why I don’t just find someone on Tinder, and I tell them that it’s because I’m shy and don’t have any flattering pictures of myself, but more importantly, because it’s not romantic enough. So if you’re looking for someone who enjoys candlelit dinners and Kafkaesque walks on the beach, and don’t mind constantly agreeing with me and never challenging me in any way, then meet me at The Hut tonight. I’ll be the one holding a ring, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt.

Post Author: tucollegian

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