Voter registration guide (sponsored by the GOP)

Election season is quickly approaching, and still a lot of people haven’t registered to vote. To help out, we have some tips on how to register and vote. We’ve rephrased the instructions for the common white male, the men who are different, the women-folk, and even democrats so we don’t offend anyone by not being “politically correct”.

Straight White Men:
Go to the site and fill out the application available. You can even do it online. Express your god-given right to have a say in the inner workings of government and remember to go out on November 8 and pick the man you think is best for the job.

Those Other Men:
Think of all the good things white straight folks have contributed to this country. Now think of what you’ve done. Is it close? If no, then let us keep doing the good job us straight white males have been for hundreds of years. We’ve been able to vote for a lot longer time, so overall we have way more experience. Not to mention that way over half of politicians are like us. Really, when have we done you guys wrong?

Take a moment to think about your children or future children. What would they want? They’d probably want you to be with them. You should go to them. Honestly, there’s so much that you could and should be doing right now. Are your dishes all clean? What about your laundry? How are your children? Did you clean your house today? Is there a hot dinner ready for when your husband comes home?
What’s that? You have a job and haven’t gotten around to these things today? You expect your husband to help out with all these things? How dare you! Being a mother is the most important job you have. You’re making your family suffer by pursuing these selfish ‘dreams’ you claim to have. Go take care of all of these things and if you get back without being too tired, we’ll tell you how to vote.

Look, you’re new here, and some of you might be illegal. So just leave the voting, politics and the ultimate decision on how to handle you up to us. After all, we were born here, you just chose to come here to escape the dangers, prejudices, economic collapse probably created by the exportation of natural resources and/or war in your country under the illusion that America is a safe heaven. Our ancestors came over for similar reasons, but that doesn’t matter right now. So don’t overstay your welcome, just stay home this election season.


Burn in hell.

Post Author: tucollegian

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