Weeding out the inebriates

Campus Security officers develop new surefire methods to catch potheads in the act.

Amid changes in state legislation and a large influx of new students, Campus Security has now put in new programs to ensure that TU students stay sober. And rather than taking preventative measures, Campo will be looking to catch students in the act, which is far more effective and constructive.

“You have no idea how many kids we find stumbling around drunk as a skunk on the daily,” said Officer Geraldo Herrero. “And now that they can get their hands on weed even easier than before, we are really stepping up our patrols to try to limit all the potheads in public as well. It’s not a good look for the university.”

Thankfully, The State-Run Media has received exclusive intel into some of the places where Campus Security officers will be stationed to look for students in compromised conditions. Please take this—by no means exhaustive—list into consideration if you plan to leave your room in a less-than-sober state. Or just don’t disappoint your mother in the first place.

The Taco Bell Drive-Thru
With the permission of the Taco Bell in front of TU, Campo will be setting up a DUI checkpoint at the end of their drive-thru after 10 p.m.

To limit congestion, they won’t be stopping everyone. Particular attention will be given to students asking for extra cheese or anyone who orders a Crunchwrap Supreme.

If successful, this task force may extend to other fast food drive-thrus near the university, including Burger King, Waffle House and Pizza Hut.

Keplinger Lecture Halls
There will now be an increased police presence in Keplinger Hall around lunchtime. Officers will be patrolling the halls keeping an eye out for anyone sticking around after “Lunch and Learns” to take all of the leftovers.

“One or two plates is fine,” said Officer Kyle Munst, the officer in charge of this task force. “We’re looking for students lifting entire trays of Qdoba or attempting to make off with as many Andolini’s boxes as they can carry.”

QT Parking Lot
Officers will only be checking this area after 2 a.m.

“I don’t think we need to explain ourselves here,” said Officer Herrero.

The Library
This task force will not be put into action immediately. Starting Dead Week, officers will be on the lookout for anyone who looks a little bit too okay with the prospect of failing all of their classes. Suspicious behavior includes smiling, relaxed posture, engaging in casual conversations, reading only one book at a time and not incessantly posting on Snapchat about how stressed they are.

With these new policies in place, Campus Security are confident that they will be able to get TU 100 percent clean.

Post Author: Sara Serrano