Weekly Horoscopes: Mars is finally in the fifth retrograde of the Aquarius Moon house!

Aquarius: Eat your vegetables this week. Don’t answer the phone. Embrace questionable fashion trends like denim on denim, socks with sandals and tights under shorts. The universe is testing you, Aquarius, don’t crack under the pressure. Wear the socks and the sandals with the utmost pride.

Pisces: You’ve been a little unsure of what to do with yourself this week, Pisces. The options in front of you seem to extend beyond your reach, and you’re not sure where to start. How about with a list of do’s and don’ts? Do: jazz music, freshly squeezed fruit juice and driving in the fast lane. Don’t: cold calls, second dates and following the smell.

Aries: Aries! You’ve been telling yourself that you’re going to get the courage for something for a long time now. This week is the week. Do all of it. Don’t hesitate. It’s not over until you say it’s over. Take risks, make messes, and make mistakes. Live, laugh and love. Don’t listen to the haters, Aries, they are your motivators.

Taurus: You’ve been playing the long game Taurus and it’s all about to not pay off. You’ve gotta learn when to give up, and this is the week. Toss any worries about inflation to the wind and invest in your favorite flavor of Ben and Jerry’s, do a bit of online retail therapy and skip exactly two classes. Don’t email your professors to explain why. They will know.

Gemini: You’re in for a wild ride this week, Gemini. It’s going to get better before it gets worse, so don’t be fooled. You may get the urge to open up and be your authentic self this week, don’t pay attention to it. Dishonesty is the best policy. It is not a coincidence that the room falls silent every time you walk in.

Cancer: You know what they say, Cancer. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. You are the gift horse. Everyone tries to walk on you and you let them. Stand your ground this week. Look everyone else in the mouth and see how they like it. “Open wide!” is the new “Hello”. Don’t explain, don’t even let them ask. Become the star of the show, Cancer, by any means necessary.

Leo: Get over yourself, Leo. You think you’re the main character, but the show was canceled several seasons ago. Your name has been popping up in many conversations lately, for exclusively bad reasons. Reel it in and take some time to reflect. You can turn it around but you’ll have to challenge yourself. You got this…probably. Some self-doubt may actually be useful in this instance.

Virgo: Virgo! I’m getting nothing for you this week. Seriously I’ve been laying comatose on the Old U every night for at least 22 minutes, trying to read the stars, asking over and over what they have for Virgo and they’ve got goose egg, nadda, zilch, zero. Whatever you’ve been doing, keep doing it. It’s either working so well that not even the universe has advice to offer…or, well, I’ll leave it up to your imagination. Not the way astrology usually works, I know.

Libra: This isn’t you. You’re tired, you’re stressed, your scales are completely off balance. Try lucid dreaming this week. As you sink into a calm and peaceful sleep, imagine you are a bug in a lounge. What kind of bug are you? What instrument are you playing? Perhaps you’re a beetle playing the bass…or a cricket strumming the banjo. Either way, this is the energy you need to channel this week. Trust me.

Scorpio: Oh, Scorpio. You have been causing more havoc than a bull in a china shop. Lucky for you the stars have aligned in your favor, and the drama you have created will work for you instead of against you. But tread lightly Scorpio, you never know what might be lurking around the corner…a pop quiz, a scorned ex, one of the new food robots or something even worse!

Sagittarius: Are you hiding something, Sagittarius? I think you are. The stars are telling me so. They’re also telling me that you need to keep hiding it. Trust no one. Be extra suspicious this week. Question everything. You know what you’ve been hiding, but do you know what everyone else has been hiding? Take some extra time this week to lay low and try to find it.

Capricorn: Capricorn, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to add fuel to every single fire. You’ve been having trouble asserting yourself lately, and this week is the time to turn all of that around. Be brave, be bold, be you. Not sure who you are? Listen to that inner ram, they will guide you.

Post Author: Margaret Laprarie