What are the chances? Crazy ideas for TU athletics

Assistant Athletic Director for Marketing Katie Thompson entertained some of my crazy ideas for improving the sports atmosphere at TU. Using a highly advanced statistical algorithm, I calculated the probability of each occuring.

Beer at Athletic Events

Football and beer. Beer and football. Perhaps the holiest of matrimonies! Top off that Keevan Lucas touchdown with a sip of Budweiser. Over twenty-five FBS schools now serve alcohol at their sporting events, creating another sizable revenue stream for their athletic departments. Additionally, selling alcohol in Chapman Stadium or the Reynolds Center would likely increase attendance.

Some argue that beer sales would lead to drunken rowdiness, deteriorating the family atmosphere. However, those who prioritize drunken rowdiness will typically achieve that goal, whether or not alcohol is available in stadiums. Of course, intoxicated fans could be escorted out of the stadium. If nothing else, it couldn’t hurt TU to try.

“[TU was] very close to this…when Todd graham was the football coach,” Thompson said.

A last minute push from a coach’s wife’s church halted the effort. But with a new conference and a new football coach, maybe it could happen now?

“I don’t see that being something that would happen in the current leadership that we have,” Thompson opined.
Probability: 15 percent.

Hurricane on the Football Field

Admittedly, this is probably the least favorite of my ideas, originally introduced by former Collegianites, J. Christopher Proctor and Will Bramlett. Nonetheless, a giant hurricane spanning from 30-yard line to 30-yard line would certainly land TU on SportsCenter. Any publicity is good publicity! Ultimately, TU’s Facilities department would have to approve. Unless the Lortons or Chapmans demand this themselves, I don’t see it happening.

Probability: 0.01 percent.

Pep Rallies

Pep rallies are the perfect excuse for celebrating game days a day early. In 2014, the only pep rally came before Homecoming. Though a valiant effort, the poor turnout and lack of energy made it feel like an awkward middle school dance. To improve, hand over the reins to the marketing department. After a dance from the spirit squad, hand the mic over to an especially charismatic football player to talk trash on the other team. “SMU invented pay-for-play before it was cool” or similar jabs are not only accepted but encouraged. Then Coach Montgomery repeats, “Fun, fast, physical football,” ten times, while the crowd cheers uproariously.

“I would love to do a pep rally, and that may be something we do in the future,” said Thompson.

Probability: 75 percent.

Giant Banner on Side of Campus Building

Nothing says “IT’S GAMEDAY!!!” like a giant banner that says “IT’S GAMEDAY!!!” Of course, someone who’s better with words could come up with something catchier. Maybe “Sound the Siren”? Anyways, the banner would be big enough to cover the side of an entire building and would go up the day before each home game. While LaFortune would be visible near the football stadium, most of the campus never passes by. McFarlin Library or Lorton Hall may provide better visibility of the giant tarp.

“I love the tarp idea,” said Thompson as I blushed.

Probability: 110 percent (My phone calls won’t stop until this happens.)

Kickoff Songs

Many schools blast songs during kickoff or while the players run onto the field. Clemson plays “Enter Sandman” by Metallica. Naturally, many would suggest “Rock You Like a Hurricane” by the Scorpions. Naturally, those people would be wrong as that song is unbearably cheesy. A student contest would be a fun way to find an adequate song.

Probability: 65 percent.

Post Author: tucollegian

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