What TU doesn't want you to see: Goldie clones traveling via the hidden tunnels outside the Physical Plant. graphic by Conner Maggio

What’s the deal with all these holes?

Holes, secret tunnels and clones of a beloved golden retriever are all strands in TU’s web of lies.

If you haven’t seen or fallen into one yet, it might interest you to know that several holes have recently opened up around campus grounds. Currently, sources report one by the Caf, another by Lorton Hall and a couple more in the Old U.

Surrounded by equipment and often construction workers, common sense might lead you to believe that the university is simply repairing pipes or power lines. But that’s just what they want you to think.

According to one extremely well-informed source, these holes are a part of something much bigger.

“Very few people know this, but there’s this secret system of tunnels right under TU, connecting almost every building,” says anthropology major Ricky Reeves (a fake name given to him for his protection). “They were originally built during the Cold War as bomb shelters, but when that threat was gone, their purpose changed.”

Reeves alleges that the tunnels are now used to smuggle the several Goldie clones around campus.

“Obviously they don’t want students to know about the clones, and nothing would give that away like seeing Goldie 1.1 and Goldie 1.3 cross paths on campus,” Reeves explains, “Thus, the clever folk at administration decided to put those old tunnels to work. So while Goldie 1.7 is being pet outside Collins, the others Goldies — the exact number of clones is unknown — can be moved through the tunnel system to appear at other places simultaneously.”

So these holes are indeed being dug for maintenance, but more specifically to repair the secret tunnels that have fallen into disrepair.

“You’ve got to remember that these were built in the ‘50s. They’ve been falling apart for years, but they hadn’t thought to fix them up until a tunnel collapse killed Goldie 1.1,” Reeves recalls, eyes welling slightly, adding, “Clones really freak me out, but those monsters let a poor dog die due to their negligence. I’m honestly disgusted.”

While this news may shock and horrify you, it is crucial that you don’t try to poke around or go near these holes. Who knows what lengths administration will go to keep this a secret.

Post Author: Sara Serrano