An actual photo of Mark Zuckerbread. Graphic by Madeline Woods

Which tech CEO looks most like this piece of bread?

An objective report on the breadiness of each major tech CEO.

10. Coming in last place is Safra Catz, CEO of Oracle. She looks nothing like this piece of bread. She lacks sufficient sponginess, square-facedness and general breadiness. She would hardly be able to pass for any sort of pastry. Not to mention the hair. To be fair, she may be disadvantaged on account of not being a white man.

9. Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, lacks most bread-like qualities. He does not exude particularly un-bready qualities, but the competition this year is stiff. Most Tech CEOs actually look quite a bit like this piece of bread.

8. Staying out of the bottom two, but still ranked pretty low, is Jeff Bezos. The Amazon CEO looks quite a bit like a piece of bread in a few ways. However, he lacks hair, and his face is rather round. The hair is necessary to resemble the thick crust on top of the bread. Also, we need square faces here.

7. Satya Nadello, CEO of Microsoft, has very similar external qualities to Bezos. However, internally, he exudes breadness. He has a rounded face and no hair, but every single one of his speeches comes off as very bready.

6. Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo!, is this year’s Cinderella story. She really cannot be said to be that much more bready that any of the CEOs she beat out. However, Yahoo! has the most bread-like qualities of any company in America.

5. Getting into the top half, Apple CEO Tim Cook performs well here. The man has a square face, a small amount of hair, and is an older white guy. However, he has very few other qualities that would help him to rank higher.

4. Brian Krzanich, CEO of Intel, earns his rank with authority. The man looks much like this piece of bread. Beyond that, Krzanich seems like a stale piece of bread, but not too stale to eat. He is a little hard, but some people may like it that way.

3. Getting into the real contenders here, Patrick P. Gelsinger, CEO of VMware, clinches a top three finish. He has the head shape, the bread, the hair, the look, the right tan and the persona. He is a bread-force to be reckoned with. His fans have been gathering, and he will probably finish second or even first next year.

2. Eric Schmidt served as CEO of Google up until 2018. This means Schmidt competes for the last time this year, and what a year he has had. Schmidt has improved upon his breadiness with relentless endurance. He has risen to the occasion with his yeast working overtime. In the warm heart of his moist center, Eric Schmidt will remain in our hearts forever as one of the breadiest CEOs in history. God bless you, man.

1. Two words: Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg has every quality of this piece of bread. The curly hair exudes top-crust perfection. His skin has the perfect texture of a nice slice of bread. His face-shape models the perfect contours for maximum bread. That smile smells like homemade, fresh out of the oven, Sunday afternoon love. The Facebook CEO takes away this year’s “CEO who looks most like this piece of bread” award for the tenth year in a row. Congrats, Zuck. May the bread be with you.

Post Author: Brennen Gray