There ain’t no laws when you’re drinking claws, but what if there are no claws left?
Breaking news: there is a White Claw shortage in America. Some say it is from a large collective of kids across the country drinking just a little too much of it. Here are some much better explanations:
1. Drank by my roommate Brad – Everyone at some point has that roommate who absorbs Natty Lite and Doritos and goes to the gym five times a day to keep his perfect body in spite of those habits. For me, this year’s model is named Brad. When White Claw entered the scene this summer, it was like he discovered the polio vaccine. The man had more claws than a crazy cat lady. When I voiced my concern about his drinking habit, he simply told me that it was healthy so it “didn’t matter, bruh.”
2. It was just accidentally fermented LaCroix – So what if a big ol’ keg of another trendy alternative to real beverages was left unattended for a few years somewhere deep in a warehouse? Now what if an entire warehouse was left unattended? And all that soda went bad and fermented into alcohol. Now I’m not sure how the science works, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe the reason there is a White Claw shortage is because there is no factory that actually produces it, so the world subsists in the finite supply created by LaCroix’s mistake.
3. It never existed in the first place – A “healthy” alternative to lite beer that doesn’t negate its own perks by being so easy to drink and deceptively low-calorie that it enables its consumers to feel less bad about binging? That’s hip and cool for both men and women to drink? That pleases both the surfer bros and the tank top vegetarians? That isn’t actually just overpriced alcoholic LaCroix? Nope. Doesn’t exist.
4. Millennials Killed it – These avocado junkies are serial killers. That’s just a fact. They have mercilessly and single-handedly slaughtered movie theaters, paying oodles of money for 2,000 cable channels they never watch, mayonnaise, honeymooning, the hotel industry, marriage, divorce and exorcisms. Considering they are the usual suspects, we have to mark them as a possibility.
5. Area 51 guards are taking it all – Why? Top secret. Perhaps Aliens are big fans of the drink since they can’t stomach beverages meant for human consumption. Or maybe the guards are stocking up so they can have a way to make it through the hardest day on the job ever. Or maybe the guards are stockpiling it so they can throw a huge rager with the stormers after the event takes place. I, for one, can’t wait to find out.
6. We threw it in the garbage where it belongs – Hot take. Hard seltzer is not that good. Other options include lite beer, cheap wine, maybe even Naturdays or, I don’t know, WATER!
7. The species of White Claws went endangered – The legendary White Claws used to roam the forests of North America for thousands of years. Their beautiful white pelts and their shiny white claws appeared made out of pure moonlight. And I’m not sure if anyone else has noticed or anything, but I didn’t see a single White Claw this summer. You mean to tell me that the animal suddenly goes missing when a seltzer of the same name becomes the most popular drink in the U.S.? I’ll let you read between the lines.
8. School starting made it worse – Let’s be honest. White Claw is the drink of the summer, and its makers probably thought the same thing. But what if sales of the beverage failed to go down when 20-year-olds moved from the beach to the classroom? Am I implying that the shortage occurred because college kids are drowning their sorrows with alcohol? Yes. Yes, I am.
9. Claimed by the void – Take this one as you will. Nothing lasts forever, even soft drinks. Maybe these cans of liquid-social-media-energy simply became too powerful. So, the universe had to balance it out by getting rid of it in some way or another. To cope I suggest meditating to the soothing melodies of “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas.
10. I drank it all.