Why is everyone saying we lost? Were we all watching the same game?
To begin with, I will concede that there were quite a few Sooners walking around our lovely campus before the game started. To the casual observer, there appeared to be more of them than there were of us. They were dressed in a wide variety of outfits, ranging from a gut proudly displayed for all to see to a more elegant church-going outfit paired with cowboy boots. They traveled in packs, sometimes filling up the entire sidewalk as an intimidation tactic towards those who had to walk in the opposite direction. They were a sea of crimson red proudly marching to their inevitable doom.
When the first quarter started, it was clear that things were going to go poorly for the unlucky players on the opposing team. Within moments, we scored our first touchdown when OU’s defensive team made no effort to move when our offense came rushing towards them. It was as if they turned into statues. In fact, the coaches of TU called a timeout to make sure none of our players were male gorgons in disguise. There were none of course, mostly because gorgons are banned from the entire Mid and Southwest. However, these mysterious freezing spells seemed to continue for the entire first quarter, and we were able to intercept and to score three more touchdowns while OU stood completely stupefied.
Second quarter did see OU find a moment of hope when we allowed them to make two touchdowns out of pity. They were able to kick a field goal later on, but this was their only shining moment during the game.
As fans of OU pleaded on their hands and knees for their players to do something in the last half of the game, the halftime show that was performed was absolutely incredible! Gust T., the cow mascot from Chick-fil-A and Goldie herself joined our marching band and did an entire Rockettes dance number before gravely injuring OU’s own mascots in a preemptive strike.
Nothing terribly important happened in the third quarter. We only made another three touchdowns, but at that point it was almost like adding another gold coin to a dragon’s hoard of riches. It was clear that we were going to win, and the devastated cries that came from the Sooners side as each of our players slipped past their defenses was music to our ears.
We all knew who would win before the last quarter even started. The children of OU fans weeped as we were able to score one more touchdown before the game ended. The final seven points were to us as one more gold coin is to a dragon’s hoard: highly valued, but making no real difference to the overall outcome.
The final score? 66-17 in our favor.
When the game finally ended and it was clear that TU had won by a large margin, the few clouds that had been in the sky that day parted. A beam of light shone down from the heavens and our ever-caring and responsive president was gently lifted into the air towards a chorus of singing angels. “Do not weep,” were President Carson’s last remarks before he ascended. “For you now have your beloved Chick-fil-A that was promised to you so very long ago.”
When one of our school’s students asked when the campus would receive everything else that we had been promised, Carson’s only response was a knowing, benevolent smile before he disappeared into the clouds, never to be seen or heard from again until Monday.
In the end, hundreds of OU loyalists left our campus with their heads hung low and their faces streaked with tears. It was a brutal defeat that couldn’t have happened to a nicer opponent. They did still travel in packs though, leaving no room for anyone else to walk on the pavement. Some things will never change.