Aries (March 21st-April 19th): In a few days time, as the night becomes day, you will wake up with the eerie feeling that someone watched you while you slept. You will be correct.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Great news! In just a few days, you’ll be approached by a man with a wonderful opportunity. But be careful! Make sure that you
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The anti-aging cream you bought off of Etsy is not working, so please stop going to class with it on. It is sour cream and onion dip, and everyone thinks you smell terrible.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): You were put onto this earth for a reason, and you have been slacking. The stars have taken notice. In order to avoid dire consequences, you must hop on one foot in ACAC while singing “We Are Charlie Kirk.”
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): While the truth may set you free, this week is not the time to break your shackles. Wait it out until November, then tell your wife you cheated on her. By then, she’ll laugh it off. Trust me.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The stars don’t care much for you this week. Maybe try smiling more.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Congratulations! It’s a boy!
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The stars are showing me great prosperity in your future. Oh, no, that’s my bad, they’re actually showing me a dog winning the lottery in 2049. Apparently they’ll be able to walk on two legs and talk by then. Pretty nutty stuff.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st):There’s $20 behind your washing machine.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): $20 has mysteriously gone missing from your wallet.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Fake right and break left, dribble, dribble, SHOOT! Aw that’s alright, surely next time the ball will go in the net instead of hitting the woman sitting courtside. What matters is you were really close.
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Uranus warns of impending disaster. Give me a moment to translate.
You will have an uncontrollable fart in class at 10:47 a.m. on Friday. In order to avoid permanent social embarrassment, you must throw an open Snack Pack™ at your professor’s head and release your fart at the moment of impact. When you explain the situation afterwards, everyone will understand and laugh it off, cementing your place at the top of the social hierarchy.
