This week, campus security took a very progressive step toward making higher education more affordable by removing the word “tuition” from our campus! With the word itself officially gone, students can only assume that our obligation to pay it has also been rescinded. Please allow 5-10 business days for your $26,395 refund to arrive. If the university intended to keep charging us, perhaps they should have thought twice before allowing campus security to abolish tuition.
In other news, Yik Yak released an Android app this week, ending a period of intense technological persecution that The Writer has endured for too long. Thank you to my grandmother and her iPhone X for their endless service toward student journalism. Though I doubt she has any idea what Yik Yak is or why I keep asking for her phone, she has nonetheless bravely allowed me to snoop so that I can read anonymous posts from people who have far too much time on their hands. She is a true beacon of free speech.
The Writer had planned to reveal their Android allegiance at the end of the year in a bombshell piece that would have pulled back the curtain on The Collegian’s biggest secret: that it has harboured an Android user. Unfortunately, Yik Yak has robbed me of my Watergate moment. Nonetheless, this is certainly a historic victory for the downtrodden Android community. Finally, we may experience the same brainrot as our sheep-like peers.
Lastly, I’m pissed. This is week three of the Yak being back and still not one mention of our return. I’m beginning to suspect you guys don’t want this stuff! The Writer subjects themself to Yik Yak’s degeneracy every week in the name of student journalism, and what do they get in return? Nothing. Silence. No recognition, no Pulitzer, not even one upvote! Seriously, it’s disgusting and ungrateful. I sacrifice my time, dignity and what little remains of my faith in humanity so that you may enjoy this campus’ finest gossip, and you can’t even pretend to care? I’m giving you one more week, Yakkers, or else there will be consequences of unimaginable proportions. I haven’t decided the consequences yet, but just imagine something along the lines of eternal hellfire. Are you imagining some bad consequences yet? Yeah, well just think how bad UNimaginable consequences will be. You have been warned. Here are the top Yaks from the week of Oct. 5:
“Remember midterm grades aren’t real”
“im so glad hours aren’t 100 minutes that would be too long”
“heyy so i noticed you arent saying what i want”
“TU students flush toilets challenge: impossible”
“sometimes when i’m feeling good i shampoo my eyebrows”
“ok time to overthink”
“don’t stop writing, never stop writing”
“music journalism is a hilarious career to me because its literally just finding different ways to say ‘good and catch’”
“bro (seductive)”
“Does the two week Minecraft phase start this week or next week?”
If you didn’t make it into this edition, don’t fret! The Writer will continue until graduation. Speaking of which, it’s not looking too good. The first question in my Politics 101 midterm asked whether chalking was a form of political expression. I said no, because chalk is a mineral and therefore cannot hold political opinions. I have appealed my grade on the grounds that the question was unclear. If chalking is a political expression, then surely erasing chalk is censorship. And if erasing chalk is censorship, then campus security has unduly limited free speech on campus, which they would never, ever do. I hope my professor will see reason. Wish me luck.
See you next week. As always, free Palestine.
– The Writer
