Aries (March 21st-April 19th): Go to the bookstore on Friday. Bring the eye of a newt, a flask of child’s blood and a box of Mike and Ikes. Make sure it is the mega mix kind. Hand them to the worker, and in return, they will finally give you your books.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): The prophecy has come to pass. Four decades ago you were chosen to right the balance between good and evil. Don the baggy jeans and wired earbugs. With your beanie and thrifted tote bag, you are destined to save the world. Your first task is to get Shades of Brown to lower their prices.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): You need to get on a bus to Houston. Apparently, the football season has been riding on whether you show up to the game or not. If you don’t take the bus, you’ll miss out on someone playing the ukulele. Trust me, they’re pretty good.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): How’s your job at the bookstore going? The stars are curious. About the cold — Sagittarius gave it to you. The stars saw Sagittarius trying to impress you at the Gathering Place by playing Riptide on his ukulele. He wasn’t stomping the ground to the beat. He was sneezing. On you.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Taurus can’t be trusted. They’re going to defy the prophecy and become an evil manipulator by adding a ukulele to their personality. Go to Shades of Brown at 5:30 p.m. on Friday to confront them. Take the ukulele and return it to the pit of hell where it belongs.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You’re missing just one thing from your dorm. A lizard! It can crawl on the wall while you’re studying! It’ll really complete the mess-of-clothes and dishes-full-of-ramen aesthetic. And I heard Libra is inventing a lizard collar and leash so you can walk it.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): You’ve always hated Virgo, haven’t you, you neat freak. Ever since you were paired as roommates you couldn’t stand how messy they were. Well, the stars tell me Aries is looking for a newt’s eye. And the stars also tell me Aries failed their reptiles test in General Biology.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): You thought you were the chosen one. Poor Scorpio. Well, you can still go dumpster diving and drink matcha. The stars have even given you a consolation prize: at 6 p.m. on Friday, go root through the garbage at ACAC. You will find the most precious thing in the whole universe there.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): You’re gonna need to get rid of the ukulele. Try not to sneeze on anyone while you do. Also, the stars have agreed to let you get better two days early if you go cough on a Capricorn on Friday at Shades of Brown, so they can get the week off.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You’re a busy garbageman. The stars get it. If you make sure to finish up moving the trash for ACAC into the giant dumpster out back by five, you should head over to Shades of Brown. It’ll give you a chance to relax in a calm environment.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): A ukulele is gonna get dropped off outside the John. You should pick it up — maybe this is that late bloomer talent your mom was always talking about. And by the way, did you know coach Lamb loves the ukulele? If you play for him he’ll be sure to give you a gift in return.
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Saturn is in motion, which means you have no friends. Darn Saturn. If you worked a campus job, like at the bookstore, you’d meet plenty of people. You just need to watch out for the whackos who try to exchange potion ingredients to get their books. Just hand them a journal (they won’t notice) and throw the stuff in a trash can.
