Dear university administration,
For the past two years straight, you have rewarded us here at The Collegian with the rare opportunity to move locations. Over the summer of 2025, we got to move from our old and stagnant office of over 20 years in Oliphant to a much cooler location in the depths of the law school library basement, which had incredible accommodations such as wires hanging from the ceiling and all the other sorts of fun things that come along with an area currently being renovated after flood damage. Our former editor-in-chief, Katie Wiehe, may God rest her soul, put together a team of valiant editors and writers to pack up the entirety of our old offices so everything could be moved over. The experience offered a rare opportunity for our members to get some exercise, which we were all very thankful for.
Of course, as fun as our little (mis)adventure in the law school was, the university decided to once again provide the chance for a new venture and moved the offices from the law school to Kendall Hall. This time, however, instead of giving us the chance to exercise our muscles, the move gave us the chance to exercise the budget to the tune of around two thousand dollars. Of course, we absolutely love a challenge and rose to meet the occasion. One staff member, who will be called Haiden Oogstra for anonymity, commented, “I’m really excited to get paid in smiles instead of money this year to help balance the budget deficit from the move. It really makes me feel like part of the team and that I belong here, kind of like how the military emergency responders must have felt after Pearl Harbor.”
However, now that the transition to Kendall seems to be mostly resolved (boring), The Collegian staff is looking for new and exciting challenges to overcome. For this reason, we are writing this letter to beg administration to move us again. Just imagining the possibilities makes us giddy. With all of the recent DOGE cuts and university budget deficits going around, we really feel like we could help by moving to cheaper accommodations. For example, there are rumors that the university owns some kind of “tar shack” in the middle of the Algerian desert and that really feels like a shithole we could make home — there’s no amount of sand a good “Live, Laugh, Love” poster can’t fix. Another good idea is making us move into a moldy room in Fisher, which would really help us strengthen our immune systems. Of course, we would source our own moving company to give us life experience for when we have to move houses — assuming housing will ever be affordable enough for us to need to do so, anyway.
And, even if moving again is not possible, at the very least provide us with some other, equally challenging endeavor. For example, an editor, who will be called Jolly Anes for anonymity, commented, “I really feel like there is a lot of opportunity for growth in how we print. Right now we have it pretty easy with infrequently working Adobe and Google Drive via 2012 Safari running on mostly-functioning computers; I think it would be neat to have to do everything on an old-fashioned printing press instead.” Of course, there are lots of other ways we could be challenged too. Another editor, who we’ll call Stroel Nange, suggested switching from computers to iPads for layout. They said, “We have tech problems all the time with the computers, anyway. Why not move to a more modern tech? It would help us learn a different kind of tech and challenge us to be creative. Also I could play Subway Surfers when the boss isn’t looking. Hey, don’t write that part down man.” With so many fun and exciting options available, we, as The Collegian staff, ask from the bottom of our hearts that administration does not let us down.
With great boredom,
The Editors (via Mouthpiece-slash-Commentary Editor Liam Hall)
