Giving you the fortunes that really matter.
Forget what month you were born. Real Americans know that your fortune, like your marriage and your overall mental wellbeing, depends on who you drafted in fantasy football. Thankfully, you don’t need to worry about what the future holds. I’ve studied the motions of the heavenly bodies and the compositions of your rosters to discern your destiny.
Jahmyr Gibbs
Congrats on landing the first overall pick. It must have taken a lot of skill. The planets told me one of your leaguemates is envious and plotting revenge — well, either the planets told me or said leaguemate did, I forget. Anyway, you had better pacify them soon (have the decency to decline their spam trade offers instead of ignoring them, maybe?) or else the school is going to receive a deceitful CaneCares report with your name on it. Get ready to learn the nine scariest words in the English language: the University of Tulsa administration knows that you exist.
Malik Nabers
The spheres are being very specific about this one. On Wednesday, a trade offer will appear in your inbox for your Nabers share. It will be a reasonable amount of compensation. You should take it; Jameis Winston and “Nine” will struggle to support him the rest of the year. Tragically, Alanis Morissette may even say ironically, this free advice will fall on deaf ears. You will have been warned, and the worst part of the agony will be knowing it was your own fault.
Saquon Barkley
The stars won’t give me a straight answer about Saquon. Wait, I think I hear something: “What do you need us for? The guy is 29, offensive line coach Jeff Stoutland left, head coach Nick Sirianni picked out another offensive coordinator, Jalen Hurts is still sniping goal-line carries and AJ Brown isn’t there to stretch the field anymore. Did you really need a sign from above, buddy?”
Kenneth Walker
Congratulations, lucky manager! The planets have decided to grant your heart’s most passionate desire. And, uh, it looks like that desire is for your second round pick to average 25 points per game this year, not, like, good health or anything like that. Yeah, you might end up regretting not wishing for the good health. Then again, maybe not. Titles matter.
Drake London
The spheres are well pleased with your patience as you waited for the return of their favored son, Michael Penix Jr. Expect all manner of blessings. Have you seen that shoot-my-shot-like-Devin-Booker bit? Go up to your crush and try that, but name-drop London instead. I promise you it will work. Someday, your first child will be named Drake London.
Tetairoa McMillan
This is odd — I’m getting two different reports from the stars. If you are not in any of my leagues, the stars are saying to hold Tet McMillan. He might not drop 40 points again, but even when Jalen Coker comes back from injury, there will be enough to go around in that Panthers offense. If you are in my league, the heavenly bodies instruct you to SELL SELL SELL. Coker is taking all of T-Mac’s production and he will probably get hurt soon. Dump him at a loss.
Jayden Daniels
Most of the politicians in Washington, D.C. were above average draft position on Daniels. His injury, the malaise of the Commanders as a whole and also that one incident with the reflecting pool were apparently some sort of divine retribution on the city. Thankfully, the stars have a lot of respect for Daniels himself; that’s why he was able to return in fewer than five weeks.
Josh Allen and Brock Bowers
Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your leaguemates have stopped calling you a “chudly idiot” and making fun of you for being new to the game. The bad news is that you have become so insufferable that nobody wants to talk to you at all. The stars predict that you will finish first in the regular season this year, and after that last victory, you will look around at your lonely self and ask if it was worth it. You will conclude it was, only to get curbstomped in your first playoff game and rather suddenly change your mind.
De’von Achane
Wait, I think I heard this horoscope already. Leaguemate about to CaneCares you… oh, this one isn’t malicious. You’ve just been acting different ever since you started 0-4 and people are beginning to get worried. Keep your head up, Achane manager: at least you don’t play for the Miami Dolphins.
Derrick Henry
This is it. The planets are telling me this is finally the year. I know Derrick Henry is going strong right now, but his 32-year-old body is about to brea… AND OH, A MASSIVE STIFF-ARM BY HENRY ON MERCURY. THAT IS GONNA CHANGE THE TRAJECTORY, FOLKS. The new arc reveals ten more years of dominance for the Ravens’ star. He might be a dynasty buy.
Ja’Marr Chase and Justin Jefferson
WAIT! You might be 0-4, but the planets are telling you not to trade your superstar LSU wideout yet (unless his name is Malik Nabers). There is still hope… oh, now they are telling me you just did. And for a bag of chips, too. That is kinda rough. Yeah, no, hate to break it to you, but those pine riders you got for your first-rounder are not gonna pop off. You just got scammed.
Jaxon Smith-Njigba
I can hear it, dear manager. You have chosen well, say the planets and the stars as together they sing. It is such a beautiful sound. The harbinger of fantasy football perfection, the music of the spheres. The heavenly bodies in their orbit, rejoicing with the most beautiful hymn imaginable — Mo Bamba.
