Hello, I’m an alien visiting from the far past and far future. Time is merely a construct, eh? Anyways, I’m only 192 years old, so I’m in the middle of what you mortals call “high school,” I believe. I’m taking a universal history course, and we have to do a project about a specific location in a specific period of time. In my textbook, this mortal year “twenty-twenty” is filled with fallacies and strange “facts.” Surely some of these claims had merit. I wanted to find out the truth. My mom let me borrow the time machine to come to conduct interviews with citizens of this colloquially-called “America.” Is this America?
The process of this interview will require you to read these questions and submit answers to Galaxy #46, medium-length away, Planet 345o26, Compound jf9346. Just fill in the blanks and send it right to me. Please be timely. My project is due on 21/9/83,578 (according to your calendar). If you haven’t yet developed astral projection, U.S. post is just fine. It’s getting defunded, you say? I’ll just come pick it up from you next Tuesday.
Q 1. Though your continent is called “North America” and it is connected to a continent called “South America,” why do citizens claim the name “America” to encompass only their small landmass called a “country”?
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Q 2. Your country’s founding document includes the phrase “all men are created equal.” To what extent is this true? Are women and non-binary individuals excluded under this declaration? Why?
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Q 3. The highest office in your governmental hierarchy is the position of president. Your population is made up of approximately 50 percent women. This office has been filled by 50 percent women, yes?
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Q 4. Approximately 13.4 percent of your country’s population is African American. Is this number reflected in representative lawmaking? In voting? In the percent of incarcerated individuals?
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Q 5. You really do have a diverse population, I’m impressed. My textbook calls your country a “melting pot of different cultures.” Naturally, you are providing equal opportunities for all of your citizens, right? Work, medicine, food, healthcare and other things, right?
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Q 6. I’m becoming concerned. I have read great things about the dominant religion of your culture, the one you include in your national motto and your “pledge of allegiance” to your country. Disregarding the implications of these nationalistic practices, this religion calls for you to “love thy neighbor,” is this followed? Unconditionally? How do citizens treat others from different religions?
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Q 7. Oh my, oh dear, I really appreciate your honesty, and this will make a great presentation to my class back in school, but “what the fuck,” as the kids say in your country. Okay, let me try one last time. Last question: do you feel safe in your country?
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I didn’t know it was so bad. My textbook explained that the ideologies that your country followed differed from human practice, but I didn’t realize this much! I’m not even worried about my project anymore — I’m worried about you! Wait a second … you are intelligent for a human mortal. You are honest. You have kind eyes. Would you like to come back with me in my time machine to Galaxy #46, medium-length away, Planet 345o26, Compound jf9346? You live in a society, you say? Don’t worry, we do too. Only ours takes care of its citizens and keeps its promises. You’re worried about being a human in an alien landscape? Babe, your little finger has better rights on my planet than your whole being does here. My time machine is a little rickety, it’s an old 82,729 model x, but it’ll take us both just fine. Climb right in, treat yourself to a complimentary cookie and come see what the real “Land of the Free” looks like.
