The Collegian Sports staff collaborates to write everyone’s favorite sports-satire, this edition features a religous Antonio Brown, Simone Biles being immortalized in gymnastics and Boris Johnson bringing evil to Liverpool.
Antonio Brown Joins Religious Order
Former NFL Star Athlete Antonio Brown has decided to join a religious order in Sierra Leone, sources close to Brown’s agent say. He was last seen boarding a plane from Dulles Airport headed to Lungi Intl. Airport, in Freetown, Sierra Leone. While boarding the plane Brown was clothed in nothing but a priestly robe, with numerous occult facial tattoos from a hipster LA tattoo parlor. The religious sect Brown joined is known as the Church of the Bearded Serpent, and is allegedly responsible for the mass smuggling of conflict diamonds during Sierra Leone’s Civil War. Brown is believed to have brought his collection of jewelry with him. He left only one goodbye text, to former teammate JuJu Smith Schuster: “I’ve found my calling in life. Goodbye.” When approached for comment by the media, former rival Vontaze Burfict had this to say: “… Wow. I mean, I did trash talk that to him, but I didn’t expect him to actually do it.” Around the time Brown left, Burfict also received a large shipment in the mail of happy meal toys Brown had stockpiled for three years, which came with the note: “Thanks for the concussion!!”- A.C. Boyle
Artistic Gymnastics Changes Name, Honors Simone Biles
After the continued confusion with rhythmic gymnastics (seriously, it’s all turns anyways, are we sure there is rhythm?) and trampoline gymnastics (exactly what it seems like), artistic gymnastics, the one U.S. ladies continue to win all the gold medals in, has decided to change its name. In hopes of forgetting all the Nassar stuff, the U.S. had a large part in choosing the new name to suit their national press. For that reason, artistic gymnastics has officially changed its name to ‘The Gymnastics Where Simone Biles Competes.’ While lengthy, everyone in TGWSBC is confident this new name will make it clear about how it is different than other variations of gymnastics.
Hologram Athletes Become New Fad, Establish Military State
Competing for fans, major sports leagues will start to develop hologram sports, in which legends are brought back to life via hologram to compete with active greats. It starts with bringing in the deceased greats, Gordie Howe appears in the NHL all-star game and an All-Time Yankees squad, with the likes of Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle, plays against the recent champions, the Washington Nationals. Sports organizations, fueled by avaricious capitalism, begin strengthening holograms with more physical tangibility while also allowing for living greats, like Michael Jordan and Lawrence Taylor, to be reincarnated in their prime and even placed on active rosters. Hologram players will phase out existing athletes and eventually, as the logical next step, perform a coup d’etat and form their own oligarchy with their superhuman strength.
China stops being mean, NBA, Lebron, Education system thrive
Alright let’s pretend that the Chinese government is no longer doing some human rights violations. Let’s pretend that they suddenly accept real democracy as a way to govern their people. How would the NBA fare? Not an easy question.
Lebron, being the superhuman he is, will see the error of his was in not taking a stand against China, and then run for president as a late candidate write-in in 2020. After he is elected, President Lebron will set to healing the devastated relations between China and the U.S. that Trump left to us.
Once the two superpowers becomes besties, NBA viewership in China will skyrocket better than ever before. This will cause Lebron to grow in popularity in both the NBA as a current player, and the American political scene as a sitting President. Next thing you know, he will use his nearly unlimited clout to build even more schools in areas were the public education system is actively failing. And we will all live happily ever after!
Boris passes Brexit, Klopp leaves England
Let’s face it. In December, Boris Johnson will pass Brexit by an overwhelming majority brought about by his rugged good looks and political prowess. He’ll finalize what May never could and cement himself as the best Prime Minister of post-relevant Britain. However, when he does, one fatal flaw in his plan will become blatantly apparent. What the blundering British buffoon never saw coming was the great German general that is Jürgen Klopp.
The Liverpool manager will ignite the anti-Tory sentiment in Liverpool into another leave campaign, except this one will just be plastered with #ThisMeansMore and #YNWA in the humble fashion Liverpool is renowned for. When Boris is walking out the door of Europe, Liverpool FC and the entire Merseyside region will leave England. Where will they go? As Champions League rulers they will exist in an ethereal plane above all of Europe, as is their right.
NFL cancels controversial rule
Following the tumultuous rollout of reviewable pass-interference calls, the NFL has opted to discontinue one of the most controversial rules in sports. According to the NFL rulebook, Rule 19, Article 1, section 1: “The game shall be played under the supervision of seven officials: the Referee, Umpire, Down Judge, Line Judge, Field Judge, Side Judge, and Back Judge. In the absence of seven officials, the crew is to be rearranged according to the remaining members of the crew.” This rule has been deemed the root cause of a number of ongoing disputes in the NFL, and therefore the league is opting to eliminate officiating entirely.
In an official statement, an NFL spokesperson elaborated on the motives for this decision: “I mean, we keep trying to fix the rules and people still complain. So we’re getting rid of officials completely. Let’s see people complain about the referees then.”
Although the NFL Player’s Association declined to comment on the matter, Browns defensive end Myles Garrett praised the move, simply tweeting “No referees? FINALLY.”