Aries (March 20-April 19th): As you return to life as a student, be wary of the dark energy coming off of Orion and the weird little green guy living in your room and biting your earlobes at night.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): It’s a known fact to mystics that the last 15 minutes of an hour and 15 minute class enter the same temporal space as dreams, wherein one minute inside is equivalent to four hours outside. Why would you sign up for three back-to-back Tuesday/Thursdays?
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): New year, same chud: in 2026 the truecel’s only resolution is to let himself sink deeper into the quagmire of “over” that he knows in his blackpilled heart was always his fate. I could read the future, but we already know it: cooked by negative canthal tilt, ignored by foids forever. Screw my stupid Gemini life…
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): A restful break leaves your chi ready for anything this semester throws at you — a good thing, too, cause you’re gonna get sick a LOT. If I’m reading Calliopae right, you even get scurvy once or twice, which, honestly, is hard to sympathize with when you eat Chick-Fil-A for every meal of the month.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): My innocent turkey bacon avocado, sitting unprotected on the counter — so easy, who would know? Oh you poor, stupid bastard. I would. I see everything in the stars: what you did, when you did it; I even know that you thought you could get away with it. Fool! This very night you will be tormented by the son of Kashyapa! (Ominous thunder)
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Bad news: the Roark shoveling team has absorbed basically all the karma in Oklahoma with 10 p.m. to 10 a.m. shoveling shifts, destining the rest of us for reincarnation as invertebrates at best. They earned it though. After all, getting rid of ice is the moral thing to do.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): This week, brave the chill and rain to spend time outside. It may not feel like a good time, but in four days when the sun is blotted out as by ink and the eschaton leaves all air signs to wander the sullen earth in tribulation, you’ll be glad you savored this overcast sunshine.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): “AI is coming for our jobs!” Sure buddy, I’d like to see ChatGPT generate twelve blocks of text ranging from forty to sixty words every single week. Maybe pick something a little more realistic next time, freaking idiot.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): HUGE fight between the Pleiades and the Hyades this week. Not to gossip, but it was messy; hair pulling was involved. Hyades more or less lost, mostly because Merope resorted to biting, so I bet there’ll be rain this week too. Ikiac, I was too invested in the drama to get your fortune though — you understand.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): You’re going to have to hit the ground running this week, Capricorn; through multiple days of nigh-uninterrupted PC gaming, you managed to completely stop the rotation of your brain chakra over the break. To get it restarted, you’re either going to have to delete block blast from your phone (unlikely) or pull something straight Faustian.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Used my scrying orb for bowling last Thursday and bunked up the sound system. As near as I can figure, your fate this week involves “leaping and cashing of teeth” whatever that means to you.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): The noodle incident is not forgotten by the heavens.
