Aries (March 20-April 19th): Orion’s belt dips ever to the West, putting you in your masculine energy…. or am I sneaking Dianabol into the campus water supply? Is the sudden deepening of your voice and increased competitive drive the work of the stars, or did that water shutoff drill Wednesday allude to a deeper scheme? Guess we’ll never know…
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): This is not a drill!! Saint Augustine of Hippo has come down from Heaven to destroy my horoscope equipment with the poltergeist superpowers he gets during Lent as revenge for the stumbling block astrology was to him in 371. I can’t help you until Easter at the risk of incurring a pear allergy.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The beautiful weather allows me a completely uninterrupted view of the stars and thereby your life story. Unfortunately, this does include what you did at 10:56 pm last Wednesday. I don’t want to talk about it, but for your roommate’s sake, please just throw away that vacuum cleaner attachment.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): Fear not, Cancer, for the Yak match this week was the universe testing you. This next one, the group match, this one will be for real. But the question does remain: is there even anyone out there for you, or are your suspicions of being an unloveable chud true?
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): I’m tired of the Pat Case slander. News flash buddy: YOU made the plate. I’m reading the karma receipts right now, and that sad meal is on you, not them. Learn how to make a plate without big Chick-Fil-A telling you what to eat. “The eggs are tasteless!” Yeah bub, you’re supposed to salt them. That’s what the shaker’s for.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The strong North Wind indicates portents of great disaster — mostly in my hair. Gonna need to cash in the favor you all so strongly owe me for my weekly content and ask that you cut white boy with a Chicken Little cut some slack.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): It’s almost March, which means as per usual, I have been warned by the NCAA not to prophesy the perfect March madness bracket to anyone. However, I also divined that their sniper just quit and the new guy is a crap shot, so if you want some hints and you’re willing to pay premium, I’m open for business.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): You will see a young pigeon, or an elderly finch this week.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): You will not see a young pigeon or an elderly finch this week
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): It is unclear at this time whether you will see any pigeons or finches this week. You will meet your hero and experience ego death, if such information serves as any consolation.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Orion has been holding a 5.3E+934 lb draw hunting bow for 8,500 years, and says he can’t hold it much longer. If he lets go and shoots, you can expect extremely good luck with dice, a tingling in your third chakra, and the instant death of every Cancer. If not, you will see a young pigeon this week.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): I foresee that this Thursday you will obtain a set of magical stones. They have great ability, but are extremely difficult to use, so effectively they are just normal rocks except if you break or chip them at all they will explode violently, severely injuring anyone nearby.
