The Bleacher Creature

Lonzo Baby What is You Doing??
Believe it or not, I’m not a Lonzo Ball hater. Sure there are some things I don’t like about him, but those are mostly out of his control (ahem ahem, Lakers and Lavar). Truth be told, I would love for a quirky shooting, middlingly athletic, traditionally pass-first point guard to be able to still come into the NBA and succeed. And that’s why Lonzo needs to stop rapping. Last week, the 19-year-old released his debut single, “Melo Ball 1,” which is two minutes of masturbatory hot garbage over his youngest brother LaMelo. It starts off with a moderately catchy hook by Kenneth Paige because Big Baller Brand couldn’t afford The-Dream and then quickly devolves into pretty much what you’d expect: a person who isn’t a rapper thinking he’s a rapper. Lonzo comes in with the monotoniest monotone you’ve ever heard, spitting such fire as “He’s swagged out, he a walking gym” (actually I’m pretty sure he weighs 90 lbs. soaking wet) and “How you hating and you banging this?” Don’t worry, plenty of people will still be hating because nobody will be banging this. Now I’m not saying that being a bad rapper means you’ll be a bad player, but at least someone like Shaq seemed to implicitly understand that he was a joke on the mic, whereas Lonzo thinks he’s actually got some skill. That’s the kind of overconfidence that will turn him into a Shooting Stars meme after LeBron chasedown blocks him into the shadow realm.

You May be Seated
I’m old enough to remember when Aaron Judge was the talk of the baseball world. He spent the first couple of months of summer hitting every ball that came his way into the stratosphere, flashing his trademark gap-toothed grin and making everyone forget that Giancarlo Stanton was supposed to be this generation’s beloved herculean slugger. So much for that! Since the All-Star break, Judge has wallowed well below the Mendoza line while Stanton has gone on one of the most impressive power binges of all time, clubbing an absurd 18 home runs in August and bringing his season total up to 54. By the way, that puts him on pace to top 60 homers and join one of the most hallowed and exclusive clubs in baseball. It’s been a season of incredible power accomplishments — a record-breaking league total, four homer games by both Scooter Gennett and J.D. Martinez, Phillies rookie Rhys Hoskins becoming the fastest player ever to hit 11 dingers (18 games) — but an ostensibly clean player topping Roger Maris’s famous total of 61 would be the biggest one of them all. Hopefully in the offseason Judge will meet Stanton in a Miami back alley, eat him, become a 10 foot, 800 pound behemoth, and smash every home run record in the book. Take that Barry Bonds.

The Shame of Captain ‘Cane
There wasn’t a whole lot to be proud of during last week’s drubbing at the hands of Oklahoma State but there’s one issue I haven’t seen anybody talking about. OSU’s mascot, Pistol Pete, sauntered over to our cheerleaders and placed a meaty orange-tinted paw on one of their shoulders. And what did our glorious defender Captain ‘Cane do while one of his students was being disrespected? Did he draw his sword and summon his vast meteorological abilities to fry Pete on the spot? Nope. He just sat there. Doing nothing. Next time, I’m going to need a little more Superman and a little less Clark Kent bruh.

Post Author: tucollegian