The tale of one city
The 2015 Gold Rush for an NFL team (or teams) in Los Angeles is well underway. The St. Louis Rams, San Diego Chargers and Oakland Raiders aren’t being all that secretive in their attempts to move on from their current homes.
In recent months, Stan Kroenke and his real estate group released plans for an NFL stadium in Inglewood, Calif., outside of Los Angeles. The plans have since been ratified by Inglewood’s city council. Meanwhile, the Chargers and Raiders have announced joint plans for a potential stadium in the LA suburb of Carson.
Somewhat lost in the fray has been AEG’s downtown LA stadium plans. Long before NFL teams attached themselves to stadium plans, AEG announced Farmers Field, an NFL facility to be built next to the Staples Center. However, with mounds of red tape, plans for Farmers Field have stalled like a tractor on a cold, Midwestern morning.
Not to be outdone by all the coverage of the competing stadium plans, AEG released a report which claims that Kroenke’s Inglewood stadium poses a security threat.
Breaking News: former Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says Kroenke’s stadium poses a TERRORIST THREAT. Because of its proximity to LAX, the stadium poses a “twofer” for terrorists.
Yes, he called a terrorist attack a “twofer.” Most importantly, the report was funded by the entirely unbiased AEG. 2016 presidential candidates take note!
The original terrorists
Speaking of terrorists, Sky News published a photo of one of ISIS’s newest members, Jihadi John, in a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball cap. The Pirates were quick to release a statement denouncing the Pirates fan’s favorite pastime (terrorism).
Via CBS Pittsburgh, the Pirates said, “It is absolutely sickening to everyone within the Pirates organization, and to our great fans, to see this murderer wearing a Pirates cap in this old photo.”
Thankfully, the Pirates released a statement before riotous protesting erupted in the streets of the Steel City.
On an entirely unrelated note, the baseball team is named after a profession of raping and pillaging. Basically, pirates were terrorists when terrorism was cool.
Too much noise
In an act of solidarity with frat houses and Mayo apartments, the Baltimore Orioles solicited noise complaints from their neighbors at their spring training complex.
Angry old men called local police after the Orioles used simulated crowd noise during pop-up drills. If the sound of baseball angered anyone, it would be the residents of “God’s waiting room.”
Rousey and UConn
For the first time in UFC history, both the main and co-main events were women’s fights at Saturday night’s UFC 184. Ronda Rousey set a title fight record by defeating Cat Zingano in just fourteen seconds, short enough to fit in an Instagram video.
While American women’s sports have been gaining notoriety, they haven’t gained much parity. UConn women’s basketball, the prime example of sports dominance, defeated Tulsa by a score of 92–46 on Feb. 21.
As long as UConn basketball and Ronda Rousey exist, there won’t be many changes atop women’s sports.