Is it mere male-pattern baldness, or does something sinister lurk beneath?
With Interim President Rick Dickson’s era of being a powerless figurehead coming to an end, the State-Run Media has decided to investigate just exactly what is on his head. You see, try as you might — and State-Run has certainly tried — you won’t be able to find any confirmed sightings of Rick Dickson on campus without his beloved hat. For this reason, students across campus are plagued by the questions “So just exactly what is hiding under that hat of his?” and “Why is he being so secretive? As a journalist with a burning desire to investigate what could potentially be the biggest cover-up known to mankind, I’ve got a hunch or two I would like to share with you so maybe you can help me get to the truth of the matter.
The first, and most obvious, answer to this inquiry is that our interim President is just getting older, and starting to suffer the effects of male pattern baldness, like many men his age are prone to do. This theory could be plausible as a Google search for “Rick Dickson” shows pictures that are allegedly real in which, although he still has a clearly respectable amount of hair, there are clear signs that his dome is not what it once was. But, come on — who would fall for that?
Think about it. Would such a clearly successful man feel the need to hide a little bit of hair loss literally every time he is on campus? I don’t think so. Of course, there are other cosmetic answers: he’s trying to hide a scar from a botched Neuralink implant, he permanently dyed his hair pink for cancer awareness in October and he still has pink tips or any number of other appearance-related issues. However, my investigative gut instinct is telling me that these aren’t the answer, so I refuse to consider them any further.
Another option is that Rick Dickson has actually been replaced by a robot, and his charging port is on his head, so he has to wear a hat to hide it. This idea is kind of ridiculous though; any roboticist worth his salt would have put the charging port on the butt for obvious reasons. Plus if you were going to make a robot to take the temporary Presidential position, why design one modeled after a guy past his prime? I could keep going, but it seems obvious to me that this is not the answer.
When I think of people who always wear hats in the media, I am reminded of that one movie where the rat controls the cook by pulling on his hair. I think the movie is called Ratatwoee, but I cannot spell words that are not American. This idea could be promising, but clearly there is no such animal actually smart enough to control a man in the real world besides elephants, who have memories like steel traps, or that one circus bear from Russia. Further deduction rules such options out, as the distinguishing thinker will note their larger-than-hat stature. However, now that I think about it, I imagine the shady cabal that is our Board of Trustees has access to advanced technology, and could easily create a robot to replicate the function of the rat in this scenario. This would make sense – Brad Carson messed things up for the Board, and so they want perfect control over the next President to help with damage control. For this reason, they create a tiny robot to control Rick from their headquarters without having to ever actually show themselves. Yes, yes – I believe I have finally found a satisfying answer.
Of course, as any good journalist is, I would love to receive proof to the contrary so we can make sure that this is the real truth. Of course, any picture I see is probably fake and photoshopped, and if I know Rick Dickson will probably hide his mind-control robot when he’s around me, so can never actually receive definitive proof that this is false, which means it is scientifically true. Well, looks like I can rest easy – solving a case like this takes nothing for a man with an intellect such as mine.
