Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars dance across the sky in their cosmic riddle of movement, and in doing so show me your future to be full of… surprises? Hmm, it looks like to learn more you must turn off your ad blocker! What a wonderful cosmic quest for you.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): I see… yes, I see… upstairs, the library! Around the desk, up the stairs, through the doorway to the right, and on the right: two bathrooms. The further one, inside, to the left, there is a prisoner, crying for your help. Go my sparrow! Free the urinal from Cosmic Piss Jail!!
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Your karma is deeply negative from using the Einstein’s Bros mobile order, and the universe demands a sacrifice. It’s telling me that it needs $39.99 plus tax, in cash, deposited in the State-Run Media’s office, or… what’s that, universe? Oh dear, “pelvic disintegration,” that sounds bad… geez, you’d better drop off that money, Gemini.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): Spring break is over, time to lock back in in three, two, one, now! Okay… now! Okay, fine, that exam was a warm-up. Riiiight now. Now? Damn it Cancer, stop playing YikYak cup pong! You are failing a business class!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Sorry Leo, I lowkenuinely can’t afford the cortisol spike writing another horoscope rn, especially for a sub-5. Sorry to leave you out to get fortunemogged, but at least reach high-tier normie if you want me to stop my bonemashing routine just to jestermaxx for you with divinationslop.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You need to stop yo-yoing immediately — you are becoming too powerful, and the yo-yo-lord is a jealous spirit. Your wrist is too supple, your dog too walked. If you keep training, he will come for you. Do you have what it takes to overthrow him and become a yo-yo god?
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Use your blinker, Libra! If you activate your turn signal 45॰ into the intersection one more time, I swear I’ll reincarnate you as a BMW driver. Not scared yet? Picture a BMW driver. What do you think they get reincarnated as? That’s right: tongue louse. Every time.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The cosmic forces that control your housing assignment are PISSED OFF! I’m truly sorry, Scorpio: because some freshman has a connection through her sorority, it looks like you will be spending senior year in a two-bedroom refrigerator box, conveniently located fifteen miles from campus.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): Summer’s here, time to tan, right? WRONG: the sun, also known as the traditional star, slut shames with myriad supernatural afflictions, of which skin cancer is the most mild. For instance, every time your ankle is exposed to it, you triple your third great-grandchild’s time in purgatory. Just stay pale — you’ll fit right in here.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): Capricorn, this week you might want to avoid walking down any dark alleys at midnight while tossing your wallet up into the air and catching it. I didn’t check the future — I didn’t have to — you just really need to stop doing that.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): As Easter approaches, the universe releases a bounty of good will and fortune upon us, making the holiday special. I mean there is literally no other good reason to celebrate this random Sunday in spring.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): *The Collegian regrets to inform you that your horoscope is unavailable at this time, pending the untimely death-by-lightning-strike of our astrologist following his entry for Aquarius (see below)*
