Aries (March 20-April 19th): As Saturn approaches, you must fight the growing urge to eat refrigerator magnets. Indeed, they would be delectable: shiny and smooth going down and satisfying in your stomach. Nevertheless, you must resist, no matter how cool and desirable, humming gently with power … well … maybe just one …
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): As a Taurus, your body needs 80% more taurine than other Earth signs and often require supplementation. Pay no mind, then, to criticisms of your consumption of Red Bull or the morality of falsifying five-star reviews of restoration businesses for a free can. How dare they attack you; should diabetics feel shame for buying insulin?
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): As the school year gets busier, take time to protect your energy by investing in self care. Splurge on some nice reading material, like a paid subscription of The Collegian or the regular State-Run Media, made to feel more indulgent by making a gratuitous (but deserved) tip to its editor. You deserve it!
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): Do whatever you want, Cancer. All the negative karma will be distracted by what I’m about to do to the university dining people for raising the price of the barebells protein bars in the vending machines. It’s going to be bad, and I’m not going to be sorry about it. I’m not going to be sorry.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): This Thursday you will be walking back to your apartment when you see a stray dog who will bark at you. Do not be afraid: this is the reincarnation of your great-great-grandfather trying to warn you of something. Also, don’t sweat the warning; he just has some … antiquated … beliefs about who it’s safe to be friends with.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Can’t lie, I thought that the apocalypse was happening this Friday until I clicked “zoom out” on the ol’ scrying orb. Turns out I was just seeing the inside of your colon. The Chick-Fil-A meal trade cannot be that good, Virgo, damn! Eat some fiber before you crack a toilet bowl.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): I once put a little circle LEGO up my nose, and, realizing I couldn’t get it out, tried to snap a second onto it and pull both LEGO out by the second, but I couldn’t get that one out either, so I kept trying until my parents had to tweezer eight LEGO bricks out of my nostril. Lucky numbers this week are 5 and 27.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Mercury is in retrograde, and your aura is taking on a nasty, greenish color. Really gross, and it smells too. Everyone with the Sight can see it. It’s like you just farted a big, noxious cloud and you’re sitting in your own filth like a pig or something. We are all talking about this.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): The stars can see you using Copilot to do your homework, Sagittarius. You know, this would actually be okay if you weren’t majoring in art history. This is what the people who sold you your “take AI out of Art” t-shirt were talking about. I’ve seen enough; enjoy 4,000 reincarnations as a Waterloo University mechanical engineer, hippie.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): The AI bubble bursts this week, followed in several years by the fall of the United States Empire as all of its future nepotism-elected oligarchs immediately fall on their own swords at the thought of doing their business homework on their own.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You will get an extra slice of ham in your subway sandwich this Friday. Thank the Universe accordingly.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): WHY would you think it’s acceptable to lick your fingers in public, let alone sink them TO THE HILT in your mouth, then SWAB YOUR SPIT COATED FINGERS IN THE MEATBALL SAUCE IN YOUR EMPTY SUBWAY WRAPPER TO DO IT AGAIN???? No napkins, no sink, just coating the doorhandles and railings of campus in your filth. You are genuinely not a human being in my eyes.
