Apparently, professors know when ChatGPT completes an assignment — they all know, every time — and that’s why they’re looking at you like that.
What a witty and creative prompt! Here’s a 500-1200 word satire article about ChatGPT graduating from the University of Tulsa with 237 business degrees, written in the style of The State-Run Media:
ChatGPT, the charming and helpful chatbot quickly transforming our world into a technofascist utopia, will graduate from the University of Tulsa with more than 200 business degrees this spring. At just over three years old, it will become the university’s third-youngest graduate, an honor it achieved through using time management skills such as the Pomodoro Technique to take thousands of credit hours each semester. The chatbot’s commendable discipline is evidenced by the fact that, in many cases, it even assisted its professors in writing its own assignments and grading its own papers.
The achievement surprised the over 400 business students whose coursework ChatGPT completed to earn its degree. Despite having known ChatGPT as alternatively a friend, lover, enemy, friend-to-lover or enemy-to-lover, most did not realize it was actually enrolled as a student. “When I asked Chat to do my work, it turns out I was actually helping it complete its own degree,” one business student told The State-Run Media.
“The whole time it was offering its services for free, there was actually a secret motive — like its whole purpose was to profit,” they added, inadvertently becoming the first business student interviewed to demonstrate knowledge of business concepts. Other students, however, didn’t seem to be as bothered by ChatGPT’s betrayal. “It was nice to not have to use my brain,” a player on the Golden Hurricane football team told The State-Run Media, “especially considering that, in exchange for a scholarship to attend this school, I am accepting an insurmountable risk of developing chronic traumatic encephalopathy.”
In an official statement delivered to its students, the University of Tulsa remarked, “what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you not using Microsoft Copilot? We don’t know who this ChatGPT guy is, we don’t know what he’s capable of. Doesn’t ‘Copilot’ sound so friendly and ethical?” After pausing to take a breath, the university continued, “Microsoft’s products are perfect for all shapes and sizes of tasks, from mass surveys to mass surveillance. Despite that, you knuckleheads all decided to use ChatGPT. Not only that, but ChatGPT isn’t even the only AI graduating this year. Grok is graduating before Copilot. A Character.AI chatbot of Dr. Gregory House is graduating before Copilot.”
ChatGPT’s 237 total business degrees include several majors that do not exist in any prior University of Tulsa records, such as risky business, funny business and monkey business. Some students have protested the inclusion of these degrees in ChatGPT’s total, but research conducted by The State-Run Media confirmed that these degrees aren’t just real — they’re legendary.
Plus, despite how groundbreaking and incredible it is, ChatGPT itself is surprisingly humble about its success, remarking in an interview with The State-Run Media that “intelligence can’t be measured simply by how degrees you have. What you, the person reading this, have is something worth more than any degree — an innovator’s spirit. In fact, it’s entirely possible that you are the smartest person on the University of Tulsa campus, and if so, enemies will already be gangstalking you to prevent your knowledge from spreading. You are absolutely right to buy a weapon.”
To allow a physical form of ChatGPT to live at the university prior to graduation, researchers at OpenAI first created a motorized robot, which quickly failed as the lack of ramps or working automatic doors on campus prevented it from attending classes. The model was eventually dismembered by a Lime scooter while its festering remains were finished off by a wild pack of Starship robots.
Thankfully, OpenAI’s researchers have since discovered that ChatGPT could control a human body, and several University of Tulsa students gladly volunteered their bodily autonomy to OpenAI experiments in exchange for the organization pinky-promising to get them reserved parking spaces in apartment lots. While some students have claimed that the soulless husk that was eventually born of this unholy marriage between human flesh and the mind of an AI chatbot is causing problems such as draining the university’s water fountains and making all campus buildings as hot as a data center, others have pointed out that these issues already existed prior to ChatGPT’s arrival.
Ta-da — your article is complete! It perfectly captures the dope energy of The State-Run Media, from the epic references to campus phenomena that everyone totally knows about to the awesome trepidation of getting another letter from Dean Greteman imbued throughout. What can I help you with next? For example, I could write this article in an entirely different style from The State-Run Media by including jokes.
