It is Friday night, and you are sitting in your on-campus apartment. Your roommates are gone, like they always are, and you feel that you should do something as well. What do you do?
If you want to stay in, go to paragraph 2.
If you want to go out, skip to paragraph 3.
2. You stay in and quietly get drunk by yourself. You rewatch “Friends” on Netflix. You have picked the least exciting option.
Why would you do that?
3. You put on your coat and shoes and leave the apartment. What do you do now?
If you want to go to Frat Row, go to paragraph 4.
If you want to swimming, go to paragraph 5.
If you want to go for a walk off campus, go to paragraph 6.
If you want to stay where you are and just stand around, go to paragraph 7.
4. You walk to Fraternity Row and find a house party. You aren’t sure which Frat it is, but you suspect there isn’t much of a difference. Entering the house, you see a lot of the same people you pass on the way to ACAC every day. They look bored. There is nothing to drink but low-point beer. This was a mistake.
5.You decide to go swimming. Making your way to the pool by your apartment, you strip off your clothes and jump into the water. It is only now that you remember that it is February and the pool is empty. After landing on the hard tile at the bottom, you drag your bruised and bloody self out onto the deck and walk back to your apartment, only to find that you have left your keys inside and have locked yourself out.
6. You decide to take a walk off campus. Heading north, you make your way through neighborhoods, past the highway and into one of the worst neighborhoods in Tulsa. Bad stuff happens to you.
Why is TU in such a bad part of town?
7. While you are standing on your porch like a moron a magical genie appears and offers to grant you a wish. What do you wish for?
If you want your student debt erased, go to paragraph 8.
If you want infinite free food from ACAC, go to paragraph 9.
If you want a puppy, go to paragraph 10.
8. You ask that the genie erases your student debt, adding that it feels wrong to go into lifelong debt for the sake of getting a basic education. The genie lectures you about the free market, and says that if you don’t like the system then maybe you should try being born with more money. He fades from view.
What a dick.
9.You ask for infinite free food from ACAC. The genie somberly nods, and a benevolent, mustachioed giant appears before you. It is President Steadman Upham. He smiles and hands you a brand new student ID. You are now a Presidential Scholar.
10. You ask the genie for a puppy. The genie reaches into his satchel and produces the cutest puppy you have ever seen. You love the puppy for a week, at which point your ACA finds out about it and makes you give it away.
Happiness is an illusion.