Aries (March 20-April 19th): I’ll refund you for the hit you ordered on Zach Bryan. I must say, I really thought that freak storm I manifested would get him — I mean he’s never cancelled a show before. He clearly has an astrologer of his own: a Moriarty to my Sherlock in the righteous quest to assassinate a country music star. I need to think…
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Bad news, Taurus: the universe has confused you for a torus on account of English spelling not being standardized until 35 years after It lost Its neuroplasticity. Luckily, you already have one big hole through you, so provided you can keep that open, there’s a best case scenario where you only lose a nostril. Good luck, and don’t clench.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): No more stars, I do tea leaves now. I can’t abide this staying up to midnight to observe the heavens anymore. I’m in my scrooge hat energy. Ursa Major? Hardly know ‘er, this chamomile says you’re gonna spin around in a cup this week. Now go away, I’m taking a nap.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): I read in the stars that this Tuesday you will meat someone in great need. Not a typo. A child laborer in a Sodexo factory falls into the meat grinder and you unknowingly consume some of them, as meat. Don’t act so shocked, according to my crystal ball this is only the fourth-worst thing Gus-T’s has put in your food.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): A quest from the stars: you must avenge the souls of the missing TAs that Jerry McCoy trapped in the scintillator to make the PASCO equipment work. A dangerous foe, but if you can somehow shatter his bolo tie, the demon trapped inside that stops the university from making him grade labs in will escape, making him mortal again. Godspeed, Leo.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You’re overthinking it, Virgo. None of the Starbucks workers remember you taking three whole minutes to decide on a drink while they just stood there, and they don’t call you “Forrest Chump” behind your back. They definitely haven’t been making fun of your outfits behind your back ever since. Why are you so paranoid about this?
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): The stars see all. Unfortunately, I can’t see jack of what they’re saying about it because of the Zach Bryan show’s light pollution, so this week I’m just going to recommend you the band Jawbox and melting a slice of american cheese into salted oatmeal. You’re welcome.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Scorpio, the stars — and quite frankly all of us here on campus — have to hand it to you. We did notice the stickers on your laptop, and it does make us think you’re cool. How could it not? The expertly carefree-looking distribution, the pop culture references, the political opinions — beautiful. Really, Scorpio, bravo.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): Trust me, Sagittarius, it IS working: your psionic chud waves have nearly worn through her psychic barrier. Just keep not making any moves and expecting her to notice you for no reason in particular. Can you think of a single time this method has failed? Keep manifesting, Sagittarius. You’re almost there.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): I’ — YUNG HALIFAX — m trying to divine the future but the sp — UNCLE CHESTER — irits are bombarding me with — GARABELLO II — gulfstream park horse racing resu — JIMBO’S LUCK — lts from 2059. I — MISTER SPRINKLES — think I’m having an — DA PRINCE IS RIGHT — aneurysm…
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): The negative karma buildup on campus after the Zach Bryan concert is pulling in mosquitoes like my cousin Liam when we give him a jolly rancher. Stock up on bug spray while you still can; the first wave is due any second now. What? Because he’s four years old and when we give him candy he gets all sticky. Duh.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): ‘Nader season is upon us in full, but don’t worry, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them. When you go into basements, they get scared and try to hide with you. Instead, show them that they can leave you alone by remaining calm and taking a stroll on an elevated metallic structure.
