Aries (March 21st-April 19th): Your peers are very impressed by your ability to type at 70 words per minute. Continue flexing that skill, they all wish they were you. Pull up monkeytype.com in class. Type so hard no one can hear your professor lecture. And if they tell you to stop, don’t.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Keep an eye out for hidden cameras and stage lights. Try to leave town, and they won’t let you. Do you ever notice how often your friends and family say the names of branded products? Do you think people organically just call them “Kleenex” even when it’s an unbranded tissue? Wake up, Truman.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Do not drink the lemonade at Chick-fil-A this week. I don’t know what on earth they’re putting in it, but it will make your pee have the smell, color, consistency, and yes, even taste, of honey. Stay far, far away from the lemonade.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): If you go to the northeast corner of the stage in LPC, spin three times counter-clockwise, and then open Pokemon GO. You will find a shiny Beldum. Name it “Hardison.” I’ll meet you in that weird lowered spot behind Chapman with all the windows. The stars said you have to give him to me. I asked.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Shopping List: milk, eggs, bread, mayo, eggs, salmon, honey, berries, eggs, leaves, twigs, twine, eggs, twenty-four party pizzas, shower cap, eggs, butter, pancake mix, brownie mix, cake mix, chocolate milk, eggs, chocolate eggs, egg milk, milk chocolate, hard hat, aluminum foil, chocolate hat, aluminum foil hat, eggs
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Tre, if you’re reading this, thank you for the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. Unfortunately, there was not much Honey Butter on the Chicken Biscuit, and the sharp edges of the chicken cut up my lips. Then, when I watched it back on ESPN, they didn’t even show the clip, so I asked the stars to block the two-point conversion. Lowkey my bad gang.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): This is nuts, but the stars swear it’s true. You’re gonna see some dude at Reasor’s on Wednesday with like seven cartons of eggs, milk, bread, two dozen party pizzas, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Stick around the store for at least 10 minutes after they check out. They’re gonna crash their car, and you’re gonna want to avoid that.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Everyone can tell how high you are. Seriously, you need to lock in dude. Your eyes are so red, and you’re visibly shaking. A gust of weed smell wafted in when you entered the room. Everyone thinks you’re a degenerate. They’re gonna call your mom, and she’s gonna tell the school. They’re gonna take your scholarship.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Every time you glance over your shoulder this week, you may catch a passing glimpse of the tip of a tail. It’s not an animal, it’s one of the five men dressed as cats that have been hired to follow you around this week. Don’t try to stop it, just lean in.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Your commitment to bringing down the vibe of every room you walk into is commendable and it would behoove you to redirect that energy into something more productive like finding a job. I’d say to call your mom, but I’m sure she doesn’t want you to.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Watch for falling anvils. Especially near Kendall Hall, Phillips Hall, the library and one other secret place I won’t tell you about. The stars, your parents and I think it’s best if we save that one for you to find on your own.
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): When your friends invite you to their housewarming party, they’ll invite you to play Yahtzee. When the pizza arrives, one friend will suggest rolling a die to decide who goes to get it. Don’t let him do it. The timeline depends on it.
