Aries (March 21th-April 19th): The stars are divine nexuses of wisdom, and are not concerned about the health of cosmic dust motes like us. However, you will be smitten with thunder if you don’t fix your sleep schedule just because it’s kind of awkward for Calliope and Orion when you’re up all night — they’d like some time alone.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): The stars would like to point out that candy is extremely cheap this week. They would also like to point out that the doorway to Warehouse Market is too tight to accommodate a 3.9R⊙ spherical frame, and casually mention that throwing some 100 Grand bars into low orbit would not go unappreciated.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): You enter a period of energy and output as Mercury aligns with Saturn. Begin a hobby demanding a minimum of 2.5 kilowatts of creative energy to avoid short-circuiting your groin chakra (bad).
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): As karmic reward for offering the wisdom “there’s no point in crying over spilled milk” to a distressed friend after the signals exam, you will receive two cups of 2% directly on your almost-completed senior art project this week. Never pretend you know hard classes again, git.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): This is unbelievable. You’re going to your brother, a Taurus, and his fiancee’s wedding? She’s an Aquarius — that’s a fixed sign! They’re just too incompatible, if you really love them you’ll frame her for cheating and end this charade.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Pegasus would like to suggest that, “Damn girl, you’re so dizzyingly gorgeous you got me experiencing Virgo-tigo,” is confusingly untapped among your pickup line resources.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): A dire prophecy, the yoke of the students laden under an unbearable weight of dread: vending machine prices to be “adjusted for inflation” once again this week.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Jupiter is spinning again. You know what that means. Dress up like the kid in the bunny costume from “A Christmas Story” and hop around Trader Joe’s, or else your success coach will suddenly disappear after locking your registration period and only signing you up for another dynamics course.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Congratulations! Andromeda had gone out to buy lottery tickets again, but then Ursa Major caught her, so she had to throw them away so Ursa Major wouldn’t try to stage yet another intervention. They were dropped on Dietler Commons, and one of them is bound to be a winner.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Capricorn is still blacked out from Halloween, so they sent me a vulture and some sheep livers to read out your fortune. Unfortunately, the vulture bit me and flew away, and every time I rearrange the sheep livers they spell out “Doom.” So, uh, sorry.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Ursa Minor has been feeling excluded, so they wanted to give horoscopes a shot: Aquarius, on Wednesday a salmon will swim up your sink. Ursa Minor says it will be a pretty tasty salmon. Don’t ask why: never look a gift salmon in the scales.
Asparagus (February 29th-January 0th): Fortune favors the bold: take what the man at Ed’s Hurricane Lounge offers you and immediately get as far downtown as you possibly can on foot.
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): We both know Aries isn’t going to fix their sleep schedule. It’s up to you to slip them some melatonin. Calliope and Orion will pay you $2.37 and give you a 21% chance at getting a Panda Express where Sushi Blu used to be if you do it every day this week.
