Student must take care of self, fails

University student Beles Charles has plans to take the TU Housing department to court. According to Charles, Housing has “seriously misrepresented apartment life.”

Charles, who has lived in both the Fisher South and John Mabee residence halls, accused Housing of a widespread and far reaching conspiracy. According to Charles, several secretly employed “agents of housing” approached him throughout his underclassmen years as friends. They invited him over to lavishly, or at least comfortably, furnished apartments, with well stocked cupboards and refrigerators. The goal of this so-called “conspiracy”, according to Charles, was to get him to apply for apartment housing this fall.

Upon entering his new apartment, Charles discovered that his “empty, unfurnished, unstocked, and drab apartment” was a “far cry” from those he had visited in his previous years at the university. The only thing he found upon entering was an “awkward little cable box” that he could not remove from the wall.

“It’s false advertising,” Charles claims. “You can’t just promise these homey little condos in your brochures and tempt me with fancy show rooms then stick me with something like [my apartment]!”

When he got to his apartment Charles was shocked to find he wasn’t even provided a bed. “I had to find one in an alleyway just north of Admiral! I’m using my grandma’s old drapes as sheets.”

Charles said it was the “final straw” when he received word that he would also need to pay for the electricity he has used to keep this empty apartment a chilly 62 degrees during summer months. Now he and his “attorney”, Anthony Von Wheelershmits, a sophomore chemical engineering major who occasionally studies in the law college and barely passed a class on piracy and copyright law, have announced they plan to sue the Housing department through the SA judiciary branch.

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s with Beles,” Norm Alkid, one of the alleged ‘Agents of Housing’ said in a recent interview that took place in his three-time award-winning apartment, “I mean, everyone knows that you have to put some work into the apartments to make them liveable.”

As for the rumors that Charles has been admitted to the hospital with a terrifying green pelvic rash, commonly rumored as the result of unsanitary living conditions, the health center declined to comment, citing patient confidentiality. They did however, announce that the biannual visit from the Center for Disease Control would be a little early this year, and that no one should mind the people in hazmat suits.

Post Author: tucollegian

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