The Writer attempted to use the newly established complaint system through the Office of Student Feedback this week. Unfortunately, my complaint about the treatment of birds on this campus was met with an automated response directing me to submit a 200-word reflection on personal strengths. The Writer is beginning to believe that, while Yik Yak remains the university’s most popular feedback mechanism, this new university initiative may take the Yak’s place as least effective method of feedback.
More importantly, TU’s squirrels have reportedly begun organizing in response to the university’s continued neglect of campus wildlife. The squirrels are demanding improved acorn distribution, expanded tree coverage and an end to the university’s practice of allowing students to attempt to pet them. Several of my sources in the squirrel community indicate that the movement’s leader, Che Squirrara, has already announced a presidential campaign for 2028. The question is, will he get more votes than Kanye? The university has yet to comment on the situation, though several squirrels were seen gathering outside the office of one “Lacy Steeds,” whoever that may be. Maybe students should take a note from the squirrels. The Writer would like to express solidarity with our squirrely comrades, though I fear the stars (and one of my upcoming exams) may force me to cross the picket line. I apologize for being an acorn aristocrat in advance. Here are the top Yaks from the week of Nov. 2:
“Every frat gon be off campus by the time we graduate”
“Crazy that they showed off the subterranean level of the library back when I toured this school and it’s never once been open in my entire time here”
“Call me Donald Trump the way I be failing in the midterms”
“Weird how every pike turned 21 this week”
“so bad news. we have to keep going tmrw”
“Maybe the real misspelling is a life spent proofreading instead of reading”
“House and senate. How’s that for a turning point in the USA”
“america has now received a Mamdanate of Heaven”
“FREE ABORTIONS & SEX CHANGE OPERATIONS IN ACAC TODAY IN HONOR OF TALARICO”
“FYE must stand for f*ck your education because why do I have to write a 200 word response on my personal strengths when I have an OChem exam tomorrow”
“Mfs be bringing metallic water bottles to class and drop it more times than they take a sip”
“talafreakon”
“Mandatory pronoun assignment begins at 6 AM tomorrow”
“Elon reportedly forgets to rig election”
“John Croisant got more votes than Kanye”
If you didn’t make it into this edition, don’t fret! The Writer will continue until graduation. Speaking of which, the end of the semester is looming and my final in BIOL-2020: Rodentia Reconnaissance is to find a squirrel and tame it. How does one even go about accomplishing that? Please drop some tips so The Writer can one day be called “The Former Writer.”
See you next week. As always, free Palestine.
– The Writer
