New year, new him — maybe this year he’ll see we’re meant to be.
“The rainy Pleiads wester,
Orion plunges prone,
The stroke of midnight ceases
And I lie down alone.
The rainy Pleiads wester,
And seek beyond the sea
The head that I shall dream of
That will not dream of me.”
A.E. Housman
It’s that time of year again: corporations are marketing jewelry, chocolate stocks are looking good, and certain editors at The Collegian are failing to understand that true love is more powerful than any restraining order. But most importantly of all, it’s time for a special Valentine’s Day-themed report on the life of [NAME REDACTED FOR PRIVACY], with a special focus on his romantic pursuits.
January was an uneventful month for [NAME], and the return to school seemingly left him neither excited nor disappointed. He is assumed to have slept in on Jan. 27 and missed all his classes with me — however, it was hard to determine what really happened because his blinds were all shut for reasons not yet known — and Campus Security needlessly kicked me out of the parking lot in front of his apartment, once again demonstrating the University of Tulsa’s lack of respect for the journalistic arts.
Early February proved a more interesting period as [NAME] kicked the month off with an audition for the school band on Jan. 31. However, after leaving the audition room, he suddenly became panicked and ran away in such a hurry that he dropped his instrument — preventing The Collegian from drawing any comments or insights into his life. [NAME] became even more difficult to reach on Feb. 10, when he finished filing a frivolous restraining order and needlessly set his Instagram account to ‘private’ status, preventing non-friends from viewing his posts. Fortunately, all journalists know to keep a regularly-maintained fake Instagram account for just this occasion. On Feb. 12., he posted an image of himself rock climbing at Collins Fitness Center with the caption “Finally tried this out, so fun! Thanks for convincing me, [NAME REDACTED FOR PRIVACY]!!!!!”.
Presumably, this post was meant to shout out one of his many good and platonic friends. It is widely thought that he met this particular friend in a 1000-level Biology class, indicating that she’s clearly stupid and not worthy of his friendship, because who takes a 1000-level Biology class? She doesn’t deserve his friendship. Not like I do.
The rest of the week was fairly uneventful despite the fast approach of that special day, Feb. 14. [NAME] presumably slept well the night of Feb. 13, though The Collegian cannot confirm this due to a particularly well-made Schlage lock on the door to his apartment (note: The Collegian is not sponsored by Schlage. However, if we were to find a sizable check in our office this Tuesday or the key to a certain PM Series Grade 1 Mortise lock, we might be inclined to praise them more often).
Image found on Nathan Mister’s laptop, censored to protect victim’s identity. Graphic by Nathan Mister
The day of honor came with little fanfare — the sun rose behind McFarlin Library as it always does, failing to recognize the importance of the day when we celebrate what really matters in life. At 10:37 a.m on Feb. 14, [NAME] posted a picture on his Instagram profile of himself, along with a heretofore unknown brown-haired woman, which can’t be right. Evidently, this character is a friend, making the caption quite a confusing one. Probably a joke — he’s so funny, after all. Regardless, further investigation and possible correction by yours truly may be needed to keep my precious [REDACTED] from ruining his life with the wrong person. I’d better go track them down.
Editor’s Note: Nathan Mister was apprehended by Oklahoma State Authorities on Feb. 15, 2026, and is currently housed in the Tulsa County Jail awaiting trial on charges of stalking and violating a restraining order. Bail is set at $10,000. His press pass has been revoked.
