New candidate Bej Hedge surprises GOP

Last week in South Carolina, Jeb Bush suspended his presidential campaign. As more states have cast their votes, less-successful candidates have begun leaving the race. Unfortunately, Jeb is no exception. However, one surprise candidate is now taking the GOP by storm. Bej Hedge has been making great strides in his initial campaign, gaining as much […]

TU students mimic Neko Atsume, collect real cats

Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector, a simple phone game where players put out toys and food to attract cartoon cats, has taken TU’s campus by storm. Despite the simple premise, it’s surprisingly gratifying to see Joe Dimeowgio pose by his baseball or see Billy the Kitten put his cowboy hat on. However, some students may be […]

Gays cause earthquakes

I’ve been hearing some talk recently that the recent increase in the number of earthquakes in Oklahoma is because of fracking by oil companies. I don’t see any reason that injecting water, sand and chemicals at high pressures into rock could ever be related to earthquakes in any way. That makes no sense, and I’m […]

Earthquakes are a result of pre-marital fracking

There’s no doubt that Oklahoma’s rising earthquake frequency is a sign from God, but there are many different opinions on the cause. The scientific community believes it has found an answer for the epidemic. Research has shown that the rate and intensity of earthquakes increased substantially as the practice of fracking rose to prominence in […]

Bike thief extraordinaire unveils master plan

You probably aren’t reading this story from your bike. Not for the obvious reason that it’s dangerous—we all know you like to live dangerously—but because your bike has been stolen! Hundreds of students have been in a similar scenario, unable to enjoy the finer points of cyclist life. There are many possible explanations for this […]

Phyllis Schlafly backs Bernie Sanders just to be contrary

In response to feminist icon Gloria Steinem’s recent show of support for Hillary Clinton, notable anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly found herself reflexively supporting Bernie Sanders in the Democratic Primary. “We’re really not sure how it happened,” an aide to Schlafly told State-Run reporters. “The day she heard that Steinem was supporting Clinton, Phyllis bought a ‘Feel […]

Super-villain claims sole responsibility for global warming

Last Tuesday, in an event that shocked the world, a self-proclaimed “super-villain” floated down from his sky base to make the announcement that he is the sole cause of global warming. In his two-hour spiel, most of which consisted of histrionics and ornate hand gestures, the villain proclaimed to he was solely responsible for global […]