Horoscopes

Aries: Wait, you actually play League of Legends, that’s crazy. You like clicking little guys on your computer screen don’t you, does it feel bad when that big red Defeat shows up knowing that it’s your fault. But still typing jgl diff in a vain attempt at deflecting the blame.

Taurus: This week is yours for the taking, go for the throat. Snuff out all of those haters and murder the competition. Cut down that ribbon at the end of the race, and fatally push your impostor syndrome out of the picture. Poor mental health is a toxic deluge on an otherwise beautiful and successful semester.

Gemini: Gemini’s are objectively the worst people in the star sign categories. I know exactly what happens to you this week, but I frankly don’t think you deserve to know. I hope you step on a LEGO every time you take your shoes off, even in the shower, even outside.

Cancer: Check your gas tank, whatever celestial body that makes you forget to fill up your car is rising and running out of gas on the side of the road is really embarrassing. Heed the warning or bite the bullet and start biking everywhere.

Leo: It’s that time of the year, Leo’s. The fall season has begun and the yearly minecraft world must be created. Dump hours and hours of your life into the game and then leave it just like you left last year.

Virgo: At 2:57 PM on Thursday, you will cut through the ACAC and run into a man in a green hoodie that says “Salt Life” on it. The stars are not clear on the significance of this event, but it is 100% certain that he will be from a landlocked state.

Libra: The universe is sorry that you had to sit through that atrocious football game, no number of flyovers, parachuting people or spiked cokes can make it fun to be at. At least you know some of your tuition is going to whatever that was.

Scorpio: Shooting star across the sky signals the beginning of a great week for Scorpio’s. It also could be a helicopter flying a critical patient to the hospital for a life or death heart surgery, but who cares. Take it as a good sign, and live your best life.

Sagittarius: Major dad energy this week Sagittarius, try to fix something that’s been bugging you in your dorm/apartment. Hole in a wall, chip in the paint, splintered park bench, try your hand at being a handyman. Of course you will fail and eventually have to call in a professional, but that’s what Dads do anyway.

Capricorn: Feeling pretty hungover this weekend aren’t we capricorn, probably because you were throwing back shots like it was water. That’s not great for your liver, which we know is already on the brink following last week’s party. Get that Saline IV, and get back on your feet, it’s already noon!

Aquarius: This week, your spiritual energy is at an all-time high! Take a nighttime walk in nature and thank the universe for its abundance by leaving $400.00 in unmarked cash in the John Mabee courtyard, next to the beech tree, at 2:00 AM tonight. Don’t worry, the universe will get it.

Pisces: You have been sucked into Jumanji, hope you like the jungle aesthetic. You rolled a 7, that sucks, flesh eating monkeys incoming. Don’t die of dysentery or go to jail, I honestly don’t remember how Jumanji plays.

Post Author: Grant Doolin