Aries: Be wary; Saturn wanes, and things are not what they seem. Black cats may carry good luck; a charismatic “friend” may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing; someone in Collins benching under a plate might be on a deload, so he can actually do way more than that and he’s totally super strong usually. Only time will tell.
Taurus: As TU’s resident occultist, I performed an investigation and found that McFarlin is DEFINITELY haunted, and that Dan Aykroyd’s performance in Ghostbusters is NOT accurate. Do not attempt, I repeat, do not attempt, this busting will NOT make you feel good!!!!
Gemini: The first horseman, famine, has finally come to signal the beginning of the Tulsapocalypse: the hurricane market is no longer open 24 hours a day. Pestilence followed close behind, with hundreds coming to class sick. On the bright side, it looks like Conquest is coming through the football team!
Cancer: New school year, new personality, Cancer! It’s time to switch up on your day 1s, start selling AI art to tech bros, and let the money change you. STOP talking to your family and START posting grind culture quotes on your instagram story and selling personal training courses ChatGPT made. Money. Over. Everything.
Leo: This Friday, you will approach a passage guarded by two brothers. The first only tells lies. The second one also only tells lies. There is no riddle, these are just standard fraternity brothers on door duty. Getting let in to their party depends entirely on your gender and/or knowing one of the members.
Virgo: Some… awkward… news from the reincarnation area of the divination world today: all of the McFarlin cats were on the Epstein flight logs in their previous life. They have no memory of it, and technically they are paying their Karmic debt in this incarnation but still… yikes.
Libra: This week, as Venus in retrograde coincides with the new moon, your soul is primed to heal and recharge. Take advantage of nature’s best medicine, and find ways to enjoy and appreciate laughter this week, perhaps by reading and donating money to the Collegian’s satire branch.
Scorpio: On September 27th, you will get food poisoning from a hot dog at the football game and have a hyperrealistic vision of your future while vomiting into the bushes outside the student section – do not believe it. Take it from a professional, hot dog prophecies are NOT trustworthy; we call ‘em glizzy glimpses in the biz.
Sagittarius: She Sag on my us till I tarri (Loud “Incorrect” Buzzer). She tarry on us till we Sag (Loud “Incorrect” Buzzer). She Sag on my “it” till I tarrius (Loud “Incorrect” Buzzer). She–
Capricorn: This week, karmic dividends are paid in full; put good into the universe, and the universe will promptly reward you, especially for acts of hospitality and charity. Forget someone you met last year’s name when they remembered yours and you will get a lethal UTI on the spot.
Aquarius: STOP FILTERING YOUR WATER!!!! The Tulsa tap water contains healing isotopes that give you steroid-like strength gains and cures shellfish allergies – drink as much as you can! It won’t make you sick! That’s the CIA psyopping us with fake Yik Yak posts so they can harvest the serum from your used Britta filters and keep it all for themselves!!!
Pisces: Pisces, you are a fake fan. All of last semester, I hid the same message in each of your horoscopes, week after week, obviously awaiting your discovery, and none of you got it. None! Shameful. Don’t call me, Pisces. Don’t come by my house. We’re done.
