Aries (March 20-April 19th): A rare astral event, All Hallow’s Eve will fall on a Friday, or Freya’s Day this year. This concurrence is well known by astrologers to bring about a sudden mass of intoxicated persons on Frat Row, a perplexing portent which “sociologists” can only explain by Halloween and Halloweekend parties coinciding. This is what we in the ologist field call “coping.”
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): This week, the moon waxes full and begins to wane as Venus enters retrograde, simultaneous with the negative solstice of Halley’s comet. This astronomical coincidence occurs only once every 1,352 years and has no effect on your life.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): STARS CONFIRM HUGE NEWS FOR SLOP ENJOYERS!! That’s right, the one Sol Cantina employee that puts three scoops of everything in the bowls will be BACK on her bs for the lunch shift this week!! Proteinmaxxers rejoice, get it before Sodexo shuts down her attempt to bankrupt them!!
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): The movement of Saturn reveals new ideas and imaginings to you, but it’s mostly going to be about leeks. We’ve got our top diviners on this one, but our best guess so far is that the planet had forgotten entirely about the vegetable’s existence and is overcompensating in fears that we’ve noticed the lack of leek references it’s been making.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Hope you’re ready for the highlight of October this Friday! That’s right, it’s Reformation Day! I hope you’re ready to commemorate the posting of the 95 Theses with us! We’re going to spend all night in a quiet room meditating on the theology of our denomination — unless you have some other, sinful plans? Oh, so you’re one of THOSE people…
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): This week you are your most confident and assertive self as Mercury aligns with the sun, boosting your self perception. Side effects WILL include: sudden karmic fluctuations, left-half alopecia, prophetic visions pertaining to Drew Carey, polyuria and blacking out with rage at the sight of white people.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): As All Hallow’s Eve rolls around, the spirits of the accurséd issue forth to jest and to harm; this week, don’t trust any cries for help coming from the Kep dumpster: it sounds like your 4-year-old cousin, but that’s just the eyeball-eating goblin trying to trick you (so he can eat your eyeballs).
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): S-tier week to be born right now, people born this week probably have aura, I mean chakras flowing like a sickle-celler with a nosebleed. Also they’re probably very intelligent and muscular. If you are a Scorpio born on a different week, I guess that’s okay too, but know your place.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): I feel the need to make absolute certain that the Scorpio horoscope is not misinterpreted: while being born on one of the days this week is a clear sign of superiority, if anyone CELEBRATES an entire “birthday week” they are a pathetic and greedy individual who will never escape Samsara.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): This Frat-o-ween, make like Patrick Bateman and use protection; after all, nothing’s spookier than an STI! Let’s keep the blood fake and not in our pee this year. Thanks for reading, and reign ‘cane! (This message brought to you by the Utulsa Hurricane Health Center)
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I can’t keep doing this much longer.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): A displeasing aura is emanating from your star sign this week. Did one of you perform the rite of Ashk-Ente without enough rat skulls? I swear, if you’ve called down the wrath of the Reaping One on us again… You people are hopeless.
