Aries (March 20th-April 19th): This semester will be one of great growth for you, Aries — specifically under your left arm. Based on the predictions I’m getting from Calliope, you’d do well to stop showing your friends and going to a doctor before the Harvest Moon. Not because of any health consequences; it’s just gross. Nobody wants to see that.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Financial outlook this week is not good. As Orion shifts towards the horizon, forces beyond your control (pop-up ads for Whataburger and Panda Express) make unavoidable expenses (Doordash) more frequent than usual. Mitigate as much as possible (cope by saying you would’ve had to pay 50 cents on your meal trades anyways).
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Twins born under the Gemini sign are considered to have rare and powerful auras. Triplets, however, get nothing. I mean, not that your existence is a burden, but if I were to guess, your sisters probably do resent you for co-occupying the womb and taking the life of fame, fortune and fulfillment they would have otherwise led.
Cancer: (June 21st-July 22nd): This Thursday, you will grab the Keplinger stair railing and get something sort of goop-like on your hand. It is very important that you wash it off immediately. I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but your soul switched from “human” to “misc.” in the crystal ball database when you touched it.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The karmic cost of fit-repeating in the first two weeks is… well it’s not nothing. When you select your shirt today, think back to what you wore last Monday. Are they the same shirt? If so, use caution: the role of campus clothing landmark is not chosen, it chooses you. Are you ready for the responsibilities of being a human calendar?
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): I would ask how your summer was, but I’ve already received a full update from the all-seeing stars. Thanks a lot for watching all those reels at your internship, bozo. Your wanton wage theft brought the karmic curse of 50 cent meal trades upon us until we sacrifice a fatted calf without blemish upon the ex-Sushi Blu counter.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): If you go anywhere within 20 feet of Oliphant, you will be run over by a 6’5’’ linebacker going 30 mph on his scooter. Trying to dodge out of his way will cause you to accidentally bump into your boss and spill their morning coffee, losing you your job. On the bright side, if you don’t have any classes in or around Oliphant, you should be alright.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): I think the stars are showing me the answers to your next exam! Okay grab a pen or something, here they are: 1) A, 2) A, 3) A, 4) A, 5) — wait… never mind, that’s just the last astrologer trying to project his screams to us from the pocket universe in the John Mabee laundry room.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): This semester, focus less on yourself and more on others, as your aura is primed to collect positive karma. Perhaps you could donate some of your stipend to a cherished organization *cough* which has been hit with an unfair budget cut *cough cough*, or maybe give a tweaker a bath. Whichever one of those sounds more appealing to you.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): At 3:55 p.m. this Friday, duck. Then, read the rest of this horoscope.
You’re welcome.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Hey man, I know I said that last time would be the last time, but… well, just read Virgo and you’ll see. Yeah, I need another one of your fatted calves, hold the blemish. Dude, thank you. And I swear, this time really is the last time, for real.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): Really sorry, Pisces, but we have a bit of a situation. Word to the wise, make sure you put out ALL the candles from a binding ritual before scrying someone’s fortune… Long story short, your reincarnation is now directly tied to your percentage score in data structures. Hit the books, champ!
