“Objective” game review: Bayonetta 2 uses buttons and control sticks to perform actions

8 December 2014

Thanks to the #Gamergate movement, the Collegian has realized that video games should be reviewed objectively with no mention of art or social context. To fulfill this goal, Collegian Expat Patrick Creedon, Variety Editor Abigail LaBounty and Managing Editor Conor Fellin share their experiences of “Bayonetta 2.”

“Bayonetta 2” is a videographic computer game for the Nintendo Wii U entertainment console. Though released by Platinum Games only two months ago, it has already garnered a moderate amount of controversy for alleged sexist imagery of its characters.

In light of such controversy, it becomes necessary to analyze the merits of “Bayonetta 2” in an objective manner outside of any sort of journalistic agenda to undermine its art.

One first needs to understand the truth that a video game’s appeal comes only from its gameplay and absolutely nothing else. The portrayal of characters or quality of the story pales in comparison to the execution of input and its ensuing output on screen. And let me tell you, “Bayonetta 2,” exclusively on the Wii U, performs admirably.

By pressing the buttons or moving the control sticks on the Wii U GamePad, players can move the title character on the screen and make her perform attacks or jump in quick succession with almost zero lag time between input and the virtual action taking place.

Like in its prequel, this game has you fight bizarre renditions of angels and demons such as the titular witch, and as you perform better and better by pressing the controller’s buttons at better and better times, players can enter perhaps the most revolutionary part of the series: Witch Time.

Combat slows down in ways unlike all the other video games out there, allowing the player to perform complicated combos very quickly.
And those combos, boy are they beautiful. I mean, they would be beautiful if beauty were not subjective. The button combos flow through your thumbs so smoothly, they’re committed to muscle memory almost instantly. This game objectively has the best button combos in all of gaming history.

And what is the prize for performing these combos so well? Bayonetta the witch starts to use more and more of her powers.

The majority of her powers come from her being able to control the use of her hair in combat, and as the combinations of buttons one must press get more complicated, more of her body is revealed through such combat.

So that when one is performing those beautiful combos at the best that the game allows, players should see a near-nude, buxom, bosomy witch attack Cronenberg-Lynchian angel-demons using monsters made of her hair.

Which isn’t important. If games were examined as art in their socio-political context, an entire article could be written on this mechanic, but all this reporter can say, and this is a stretch, is that this mechanic definitely creates movement on the screen.

The art in Bayonetta is mostly blue. There are some yellows, whites and purples but really it’s blue. Like, super blue with curves. The angles are never that sharp. Yeah, there are a ton of curves.

In fact, I will now enumerate every pixel within my playthrough of the game, as well as every button I pressed and every sound I heard, so that your judgement of it can be unimpeded by any human analysis or interpretation:

Turn on console.
Hum of frequency 400 Hz.
Frame 1:
0xFFFFFF
0xF2AB4F
0xF2ABCA?
0x1F47BF
0x378BDC

At this point, we had to cut off Mr. Creedon’s review, as it goes on like this for … quite some time.