Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars predict an important decision in your life this week. Your choice will determine whether the whole of your fate is comic or tragic, so walk with prudence. I cannot foresee the decision you must make, but I give you a sign: you will know the choice is nigh when a stranger asks you to test their “genital exploding ray.”
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Luckily coinciding with the beginning of the semester, your chakras are primed for the transition to studying and campus life by the waning of the moon. Unfortunately, they can’t do jack for your stomach, and Sodexo’s food quality has not improved. Invest in two-ply, Taurus — and maybe a will.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): This week Orion aligns with the North Star, filling you with motivation. Ah, and I foresee you’ll be using it all up on the new YikYak games. Well done, my child. Putting the good of the school above your GPA… you walk in the path of the hero.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): When going to the fitness center, is it better karma to press the walk button and block six cars for two minutes just for one person to cross the street, or to jaywalk? Trick question! Crossing Delaware Avenue in any manner costs 450 karmic points, and nobody knows why!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Not too much happens to you this week, Leo, but don’t worry. This is good news, it allows you to watch as the Scorpios go through maybe the worst astrological week in human history. Grab some popcorn, turn off the empathy, and enjoy the crashout!
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The weather warms up, and as spring dawns on Oklahoma, you feel an intense urge to forget your troubles, go outside, and live in the woods on squirrel meat and various tubers. Can you feel the cravings for small game and sleep atop a pile of pinecones growing within you? It will soon overpower you, my little Nebuchadnezzar. Soon…
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): I know sweatpants are comfortable, bud, that’s not the point here. You need to wear other things sometimes too. Listen, I know you aren’t gonna like it, but from here on out, I’m taking away one constellation of astral luck for each class you go to without belt loops. You’ll thank me later.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Every week, your energies, chi, and chakras are boosted or hampered by the celestial bodies, usually yielding a mixed bag. However, once every 12,952,363,297 weeks, every single stat hits rock bottom; mental, physical, and spiritual health are forced to the depths of human capacity. There’s nothing you can do. Welcome to hell, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): When going down the eastern stairs in the ACAC this Thursday, look out for the chocolate milk spill on the left-hand side of the 12th step from the top. The rest of your fortune is largely immaterial.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): This week, seek high risk, high reward endeavors as fortune smiles upon you. Bet on that basketball game, ask that woman how far along she is, eat that gummy off of the bus floor, and do your Chinese accent for your girlfriend’s friends. Luck be a lady, Capricorn, and you subconsciously remind her of her absentee father!
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Unfortunately, after trying to divine the happenstance of a TU board meeting I have been served multiple class-action lawsuits, had to sell my telescope to lawyer up, and thus could not divine your future. I did find some info on the new president, but if I tell anyone the sniper on the roof of Skelly Stadium will fire the rifle currently trained on my parietal lobe.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): This week while walking out of the library, you will accidentally make >1.5 second eye contact with a girl walking toward the library. She will force a polite smile, which you will mistake for genuine, whip your head around to see who she is looking at, see that no one is there, and instantly be raptured to Chudtopia.
