More dead birds? Uhhhh… yes please!
It’s been four weeks since the University of Tulsa announced its long-awaited Downtown Unified Nuisance Control Effort (DUNCE), and not one person has called the new office or Stacy Leeds to congratulate them on what they have done so far. Let me educate those of y’all who’ve been sleeping on this.
For the past ten years, practically half of my life, both downtown and midtown have been overwhelmed by the presence of crows, falcons and other rodents that have oppressed the residents of this city. Having to deal with the ever-present threat of being shat on at any moment has left me and many others constantly on our toes, never knowing when the next barrage might come falling down on us. I have personally lost: three jackets, two windshields and one sister (Rest in Power, Aubery) to the constant attacks. Another longtime resident of the city, who wished to remain anonymous, stated that “I just can’t take this living situation anymore. I want someone to do something about this. Two weeks ago the birds flew off with my combs, and now my daughter’s missing. Wonder who could’ve done that.” The situation was getting to a desperate point, but thankfully, the university stepped up to the task.
Earlier this month, on Oct. 2, the creation of DUNCE was announced, addressing what was referred to as “aviation-density related issues around campus and downtown,” to an applauding crowd of Tulsans. Many people in the audience even began weeping as “a new era” of baby-bird extermination was proclaimed by the university’s faculty.
The program works via the DUNCE office hiring certain discreet contractors who operate in the biochemical field. These guys come onto campus before dawn in hazmat suits and handle everything without anyone noticing. But then, just before people start waking up, they just leave. Not sticking around to watch or peruse, they are just gone. That’s the confidence we get to have in this administration. Aura.
I don’t think people realize how monumental the change has been. Before, you couldn’t even walk out of your car on 61st and Peoria without the bird-paranoia setting in. Now, that intersection is a tranquil paradise where you can step outside knowing you are safe and secure.
Not only has the general pedestrian experience been completely transformed, certain communities in particular have especially benefited from this change. The city of Tulsa is home to one of the fastest-growing bald communities in the world, and they were subjected to a brutal torture with the continual snatching of their hats during the previous era. Dr. Camille Houston, one of Texas’ top male pattern baldness specialists, stated, “The experience is like psychological warfare for the patient. They’re subjected to a perpetual state of terror every time they leave their home. … With the implementation of the DUNCE program, patients can now focus on their much needed recovery and coping.”
With four weeks of this program implemented, and many more to go, I feel like congratulations are in order for the people at DUNCE. Tulsa has just never looked better, and we’re hoping for the squirrels to go next!
