Brad Carson relocates CAPS to the old bookstore

You don’t need counseling, just take a mental health walk and be better.
President Brad Carson announced the next big change on campus this week: CAPS is moving to the old off-campus bookstore.
“CAPS was too accessible to students in Holmes, so I elected to move CAPS to the Hurricane Health Center. Unfortunately, with the lack of mental health students have on campus, this caused an outbreak of some virus as students seeking counseling mingled with their contagious peers. CAPS, pack your bags. You’re moving to the TU Campus Corner.”
After several minutes of mild confusion, Carson clarified, “The old bookstore. Has no one read the side of the building?”
No, Brad. If it’s not SparkNotes, we’re not reading it.
Students subsequently complained about how far away the new CAPS center would be. In response, Carson stated, “A nice walk and a breath of fresh air won’t kill you. Who knows, a nice walk on our beautiful campus and a pumpkin spice latte might cure your depression. We don’t plant these genetically engineered trees for nothing.”
The relocation became effective immediately, so the dusty abandoned building did not have time to be sanitized before CAPS moved in. No offices were built prior to the move, so clinicians walled off portions of the room using bookshelves to stake their claims, Office Manifest Destiny style.
The new CAPS center was scheduled to receive students the next day, but the grand opening was delayed due to many of the clinicians needing treatment for severe allergies and reactions to the mold growing in the vents.
Sources report seeing a psychology intern crawling into the vents with a bottle of spray bleach that morning. He has not been seen or heard from since. Although he was not reported missing, his existence has been erased from the CAPS staff webpage. If you ask a staff member what happened to him, you will be met with glazed eyes, a nervous smile and plausible deniability.
According to the Director of Psychology, Therapy, Counseling, Wellbeing and Mental Health, “Less students have been coming to CAPS than previous years, marking an increase in student mental health and a supportive environment at TU curated by our loving, altruistic, gracious administration and our benevolent president. I am not being blackmailed.”
After digging into the statistics, The Collegian uncovered that fewer students are going to CAPS because it’s far away and several students making the journey are getting hit while jaywalking across 11th Street.
The TU Office of Student Affairs Management and Faculty Unquestioned Compliance (TUOSAMFUC)’s Chief Litigation Officer commented on our findings: “We are not liable for student injuries on state owned roads. We encourage drivers to remain watchful or floor it; college students will sue you for the amount of their tuition. We are working tirelessly to force students to use the crosswalks.”
Let’s take a moment for our fallen soldiers.
The students who played Frogger as children (and were actually good at it) made it to CAPS — traumatized, but physically unharmed. But hey, that’s what the counselors are for.
Students who drove to CAPS found their cars missing after their appointments ended. We caught a tow truck driver in the act and asked why he was towing everyone out. The man pointed to the sign in the lot that reads, “Bookstore customers only.” As the TU Campus Corner was no longer a bookstore, we couldn’t argue with that logic. After leaving their appointment, another student found their car had been towed and jaywalked 11th Street during rush hour.
Students report CAPS as being as helpful as ever. One student commented, “The counselor told me to ‘Suck it up, buttercup! Stop making excuses and just be better. It’s been six weeks, stop fucking struggling already.’ ”
They really do care. Thank you to our loving, altruistic, gracious administration and our benevolent president. I am not being blackmailed.