The University of Tulsa’s Counseling Services combats the emotional highs and lows of the sport.
As the football season at TU is quickly approaching, the school’s Counseling & Psychological Services (also known as CAPS) has invested a significant amount of resources into preparing both its student body and its players for this tumultuous season. In previous years, at least 50% of students reported that the football season was the primary reason they were failing their tests. One senior said, “Yes, football is the reason I got a 22 on my calc. test. I cannot focus on anything else because what else is there to think about?” This is just one of the countless testimonies of students who had no doubt in their minds that a bad outcome in a football game might cause them to delete all of their notes, throw their computers out the window or even cheat.
Luckily, CAPS seems to have found the solution: certifying 30 new therapists to handle the psychological toll that this season is already threatening to take on TU students. These therapists, according to CAPS, are “from all walks of life and from all different places so as to handle the complex needs of the students.” Seeing as these therapists reportedly come from at least 12 different countries and range from ages 11 to 103, CAPS is taking their job as the defenders of TU’s collective mental state extremely seriously. Speaking to one of these new therapists, the 13 year old Jennifer “Jennybear” Huston, the quality of their services becomes apparent. “I have never watched football before, since it is weird,” said Huston, “so I think everyone is making a really big deal over nothing. I would tell the students to just get over it.” When asked how she would handle a situation like last year in which an enraged political science major took out her anger by downloading her roommate onto a USB stick and tossing her into a washing machine, Huston said, “I would probably tell her to stop and do a grounding exercise so she can calm herself down.”
Of course, Huston is just one member of this elite new squad taking on the challenges of the season. Many students have already prepared by speaking to 35 year old The Witch of Hardesty Hole, a very popular therapist who has quickly made a name for herself with just how easy she is for students to access. “My potions will guarantee your emotions cannot ever stop you again,” said Hole when interviewed from her office in the Hardesty Hole. These “potions” have reportedly led to a huge boost in academic performance from everyone who used them, plus a major uptick in students walking in perfect circles around the McFarlin Library. The Witch of Hardesty Hole has also emphasized the importance of talking to students very candidly. “The potion does not work right if I do not know the inner workings of my students’ minds,” Hole clarified when pressed on the matter.
Perhaps more pressing, though, than the need to bring in more therapists for the students was the need to bring in therapists for the football players themselves. Although no football players were available for comment, anonymous reports from many of the players’ parents have revealed that most TU football players have what they would describe as an inordinate amount of confidence in their team’s abilities. One concerned father added, “My son says that if TU’s football team was allowed to compete in the Super Bowl, they would clear everyone no problem.” CAPS has anticipated this challenge by bringing in therapists who can not only uplift the general student body, but allow the football players to properly manage their expectations before another season of the sport. According to their report, the primary goal with the football players was to “practice mental exercises to diminish their confidence and self-esteem to allow them to be realistic about the state of football at TU.” Such practices will allegedly include group thinking exercises where players will act out their nightmare scenarios to accept that they can and will happen, as well as anonymous writing sessions in which players will mail each other letters saying what they hate the most about each other to break down their group think and allow them to work as a realistic team. One of these new therapists who is especially interested in the football players is 88 year old Henry B. LaRue, who reported that he wanted to “destroy TU’s football team from the inside.” He is one of the primary pioneers of these revolutionary methods in lowering self-esteem, and has further claimed that “TU football cannot and will not be good, period.” LaRue is clearly dedicated to making the football team as prepared as possible for the season, something desperately needed after the mental health crises of previous years.
On Sunday, CAPS was unable to comment after massive layoffs at TU student mental health reached an all time high following Saturday’s game. Luckily, almost all counselors were able to find work at a newly devastated OSU. At press time, the losing college announced that its mascot’s name is now “Just Pete” and his trademark firearms had been confiscated by psychiatric mandate until they were certain he was in a more stable mental state.
