Aries (March 20-April 19th): Spring break coincides with your constellation’s closest proximity to Jupiter. This will grant you a share…
Student Union eaten by slime monster as “Party Like It’s 2016” smashes records for student turnout
Brand new Springfest event takes student body by storm, ends in tragedy. On Tuesday, March 10, the Student Activities Board…
TU student disgusted to find goth presentation completely unrelated to alt girls
Event was “a backstab,” laments tragically un-stepped-on citizen. The following is a letter sent to our editors by a student…
Man… another article?
Who even reads these anymore? Damn it. DAMN IT! I was having such a chill Friday night. I spent all…
Horoscopes
In lieu of Friday the 13th, this week’s fortunes take a terrifying turn — what murderous monster comes your way?…
TU’s Board of Trustees reveals new president will have skin, teeth
Historic statement marks most information ever disclosed at once on presidential search. In a shocking press release this Friday, the…
U.S. Plans to win World Cup with AI, Deportations
ChatGPT soothes players’ qualms over the sportsmanship of detaining opponents. Soccer’s biggest event is coming to the United States for…
Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19th): The lunar cycle aligns with Saturn’s orbit. Try new things and push your comfort zone this…
What is Rick Dickson hiding under that hat?
Is it mere male-pattern baldness, or does something sinister lurk beneath? With Interim President Rick Dickson’s era of being a…
Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19th): Orion’s belt dips ever to the West, putting you in your masculine energy…. or am I…