Aries (March 20-April 19th): This week your professor will cancel a class, but you will not see the email and show up anyways. After being alone in a classroom for five minutes, you will open Outlook to see the aforementioned announcement and think to yourself: “Wow. This is just like in my horoscope.”
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Happy 4/20, Taurus! In the spirit of the holiday, your horoscope was obtained by kratom-induced hallucination. Unfortunately, hallucination requires enough kratom to keep me high for what has now been 47 hours. I will tell you what I saw; I’m just not ready to unpack everything before I remember how to stand up from this puddle of cold sweat.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): I don’t usually hold much truck with those crystal “people,” but there is admittedly something to charging things in the sun or moon, especially in such beautiful weather! Like your chakras, for instance, or vitamin D supply! Listen, Gemini, please just go outside. You’re going to get spiritual scurvy or something.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): A prophecy of great urgency: the Hurricane Market is now offering a FREE (that’s right, FREE) Gatorade™ shaker bottle and storm survival pack — together worth up to $15 — with any purchase of a $40 pallet of LifeWater! Act now, before supplies run out!!!!
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The cosmic force that keeps you from skipping class is in its weakest state right now. That cosmic force’s name? You. Lock in, Leo. Unlike for your homework, the only Gemini you can cheat off of for finals is Todd, who sits next to you, and you don’t need the stars to see he’s a few paths short of the eightfold.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Someone should probably tell you that just going from not liking genocides to wearing a shirt about it does not drastically increase your standing with the forces of karma. On the bright side, your standing with girls with a lot of stickers on their laptops is through the roof. To each their own I guess.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): I would love to tell you what happens this week, but unfortunately the one thing no astrologer can see through has clouded my otherwise all-seeing eyes: overcast weather. Sorry Libra, pending lesser cloud cover, all I see in your future is mild dissatisfaction with your horoscope.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): This week, avoid black cats and calicos to preserve good fortune. Also avoid yellow, orange, white, brown or grey cats because of your allergies. Hairless is okay.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): The Gift during allergy season has me messed up, I’m saying bless you before the sneeze and getting run out of town for cursing people with the common cold. I should’ve never gotten into this prophecy business; the health plan is nowhere near good enough for this many pitchfork removals.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): Capricorn, remember that I say this as a mystic and an empath: the student ID on the lanyard is doing numbers on your aura. You’re wearing the goy collar, Capricorn. You’re getting owned by the University of Tulsa bookstore, and smiling. Please, Cap, this cannot be worth the “easy access.”
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Water signs thrive as the rainy season comes around. To amplify the flow of positive energy, try bathing in water daily to strengthen the spiritual connection, especially before the digital design class you have with me. That’s when the moon is strongest.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): Holy shit — this goes all the way to the top. The deep state is putting MiraLAX in the Metamucil to keep strong, American patriots like you AWAY from dirty Joe’s secrets and ON the can!! But don’t worry, Pisces; State-Run’s Freedom Fiber (For Men) is only $49.99/serving, and you can get the TRUTH by reading the State-Run Media on the john as your powerful, masculine bowel cleanses itself of the processed chemical lies of the cabal!
