GOP bored with Ted Cruz’s porn preference

When news broke that Ted Cruz had liked a pornographic video on Twitter late Monday night, the general public was taken aback. However, those most shocked were members Cruz’s own party, all tensely awaiting to hear exactly what Cruz preferred when it came to smut.
“To be honest, I thought it was going to be some fem-dom or bondage stuff. I could see it; he could be kinky.” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, “But no, he goes for some vanilla threesome porno. It makes me just hate him even more.”
The porn in question featured a woman, her ‘step-daughter’ and a male friend. Most GOP members were not impressed.
“I have lost what little respect I had for Cruz.” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Back in my day, our options were limited. So having such a boring taste in porn was understandable. But he has the entire internet at his fingertips and he goes with something so tame? It’s dull, really.”
“Sad. @tedcruz” tweeted President Donald Trump in response to the like.
Cruz is now claiming that the like was actually made by one of his staffers, but most of his colleagues agree that this is just a cover up for having a unimaginative sex life.
“We’re not yet certain who on my team liked the tweet,” Cruz explains, “But whoever they may be, and it’s not me, everyone can see that their preference in, um, content of that particular nature is perfectly interesting and I’m sure that their ‘bedroom activities’ are very fulfilling. Again, it was not me.”
The Twittersphere has gone wild with reactions:
“I’m just surprised it was straight porn.” tweeted @saltyLllama23.
“This is why I voted democrat.” tweeted @fionafiddler.
“No #sheeple, don’t you get it? This is just a trick to distract us from the G-mens’ plot to take away our free porn!! #wakeup #openyoureyes” tweeted @trustn01.
The Democratic Party has taken advantage of the publicity surrounding this event and has been quick to launch a rebranding campaign.
“After some thoughtful deliberation, we’ve come up with ‘The Democratic Party: More Opportunities. More Excitement’ for our new slogan.” says House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “If we’re ever going to have the majority in the House or Senate again, we’re going to need to garner support from a much greater variety of people than we have in the past. And what’s the one thing that everyone can agree on? Kinky porn.”
The like has now been deleted, but the ridicule directed towards Cruz from Twitter and his colleagues has yet to cease and, given their preexisting of hatred Cruz, likely never will.