Aries: Good fortune will come your way if you start doing 20 crunches every day. If not good fortune, then at least decent abs. Take what you can get.
Taurus: There’s someone secretly out to get you. Nobody can say for sure who it is. It might be your roommate. It might be one of your friends. It might be the guy wearing all black with a ski mask hiding in the flooded part of McFarlin Library with an eclectic collection of authentic medieval weaponry. You know what, it’s probably the guy in the library.
Gemini: The stars have revealed that your music tastes suck. Those playlists need a major overhaul. And you wonder why nobody wants to carpool with you. Typical.
Cancer: Stay away from ledges this week. And try to stay away from stairs. Avoid slippery surfaces at all costs. Try not to handle heavy objects. Stay away from bicycles and scooters. Avoid the food delivery robots while you’re at it. Yeah, it might be best if you stay in your room this week.
Leo: This will be the week your parents revealed they lied to you about your birthday, you’re actually a Virgo.
Virgo: Be nice to the former Leos now that they’re joining you, okay? Really, be nice to everyone this week. People appreciate kindness a lot more than you know.
Libra: Today’s a great day to try something new. Step out of your comfort zone. Go to an event that you usually wouldn’t. Look into a hobby you’ve never done. Finish an assignment before the day it’s due. Eat a meal that’s relatively healthy. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. You never know where trying something new might take you.
Scorpio: Seven days from now there will be a 7% chance you will turn into a seven-headed lizard. The only way to avoid this risk will be to eat seven 70% cocoa dark chocolate bars by then. Or don’t if you think being a seven-headed lizard would be super cool.
Sagittarius: Nobody else remembers that thing that kept you up last night, I promise. Unless what kept you up was the time you lost an impromptu dance battle in a T-Rex costume by tripping over a chair. But don’t feel too embarrassed about that, even the person who was in the chair thought it was pretty cool after the initial shock. To tell you the truth, they liked you as much as you liked them, and it’s too bad you didn’t admit it sooner, but you might still have a chance.
Capricorn: This is a good week to work on improving your pun game. You aren’t coming up with nearly enough puns during casual conversation. If you’re new to the field, aim for making three to four puns per day. If you already have experience under your belt, work on increasing volume and improving quality. And remember, the cornier the better; there’s a reason you’re called Capri-corns.
Aquarius: There’s something you should be doing besides reading The Collegian horoscopes. Don’t deny it. You might be telling yourself you’re just taking a break from homework, but if you’re desperate enough to be turning here for entertainment then the break has gone on for long enough. Get back on the assignment. The newspaper will be here when you finish.
Pisces: I just want to express a sincere apology from the Horoscope Guild of America for always putting you at the bottom of the list, after the horoscope writer is completely sapped of creativity. I mean, you’re not even at the end of the year, why do you always have to be the last one? Well I’m looking out for you, I wrote this before writing any of the other ones.
