Aries: “Who’s gooning to the green m&m,” “lol why does Tucker Carlson even care,” “who tf is attracted to an m&m in shoes,” I WAS GOONING TO THE GREEN M&M!! SHE WAS ALL I HAD, AND NOW SHE’S GONE! THIS IS YOU WOKE COLLEGE STUDENTS’ FAULTS! I LOVED HER! I… I loved her.
Taurus: Stay positive, Taurus; the world is still a beautiful place. Consider even the humble brick. Buildings could be constructed in fractions of the time if bricks were bigger, but their inventor, presumably seeing a police officer walking by, elected to sacrifice efficiency for heftability and aerodynamics. Just one of so many human kindnesses all around us.
Gemini: Well Gemini, even the mystic arts can’t find out what your lab homework is this week. I hypnotized your TA for a clear answer; they reverted to their first language. Tried to use the stars; they didn’t really understand what’s going on on Harvey either. Tried haruspicy; geese have hands! Beg for points back in office hours I guess.
Leo: There are too many stars for a human being to even count, and you want me to figure out the next week of fortune from them? Why; do you pay me? No, Jarrel Wade does, so I don’t have to tell you jack. Come back when you have cigarettes for me.
Cancer: The stars… they are hidden from me, obscured as if by some great evil, some ominous… ok it was a cloud, hang on I’m locked now, you… get three Fs this week, annnnnnd… your mom finds those magazines you left in your closet back home. You’re welcome!
Virgo: More like Virg-in lmao. Sorry bro, they don’t pay me anymore, so I’m dropping quality to match. Like this: you want a prediction? predict these nuts on your chin lol. Sorry dawg, you get what you pay for, which in this case is your cousin’s sense of humour in 7th grade. Penis.
Libra: No bro, I totally think its cool that you took a picture of the sunset. I definitely don’t think less of you for making a technological half-experience that will go un-looked-at, devoid of the soul of the moment in your camera roll forever. Totally didn’t kill the vibe of savoring a fleeting wonder.
Scorpio: Well, Collegian is officially so out of money that we can’t even pay writers like yours truly. But I’m still grinding, pumping out shitty content for love of the game; if the editors wanna stop me, they’ll have to pry this lenovo thinkpad from the grasp of dried cum and rigor mortis locking my cold, dead hands around the keyboard.
Sagittarius: I’m burnt out, so I’m turning the keyboard over to my hamster for a bit. asg agrg09 u1] gwJAUIHFBMANV,DM.fkgabs vkahegavemeahumanbrainkillmekillmekillmekifqwbgn;vsafe/`2q 1rqa`1`11q “1
Capricorn: The stars read out a dire message indeed: a queue snakes through armageddon; the harbinger of doom is pained in the feet; the zenith of the sun is awaited by the lost. Yup, looks like all of the first 100 students into the Collins Carnival will arrive before 10:00 AM.
Aquarius: I can’t do this any longer, Aquarius. The entire astrology industry is a project from the deep state to reinforce round-earth theory, paying us their blood money to lie; look at the horizon, it’s flat! NASA is hiding the dragons behind the Ice Wall: you need a firearm about this STAT!!
Pisces: Heaven’s wheels turn in mysterious ways, constellations leaving subliminal messages. Everything is obscure, but with attention, Leo and Pleiades’ alignments can be deciphered. Make haste, my friend. Even in this very text, the true message can be found with attention.
