In lieu of Friday the 13th, this week’s fortunes take a terrifying turn — what murderous monster comes your way?
Aries (March 20-April 19th): Look out, Aries: this Friday the 13th a poltergeist will lock you in a bathroom and do some spooky light flickers and door slamming. Sounds harmless enough, but if you get trapped in Kep? That’s a decent chance of asphyxiation by reek and a 100% chance of roach contact.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You may feel lulled to safety after classes end with no major assignments and no pop quizzes, but stay wary. Right when you let your guard down, that’s when it comes for you: an email revealing that your RA found the weed in your dorm last week.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): I see it descending on you from the air, fangs in the night, reaching, thirsty, ancient in malevolence and greedy to taste you — the McFarlin opossum, jumping from the ledge above the doors in rabies-induced bloodlust.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): Frankenstein.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): It gets you in your dorm room, waiting for sleep. The dim glow of your alarm clock seems to flicker, throw shadows, even. You shut your eyes against distraction and wait, but the faint strobe pushes through your shut lids. Frustrated, you reach for your alarm clock, but before you reach it you feel an ice cold hand clasp your wrist. You open your eyes and find them inches from another pair, glowing and insectoid, blinking hundreds of times a second, reflective as polished mirrors for you to watch it vivisect you for the longest — for the last — sleepless night of your life.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You’ll be walking to class. Overcast. Windy. You’ll wonder if your outfit is too ambitious for the day. The way a guy you pass by the library stares doesn’t help, the creep, you think. But it’s odd: usually you pass the same people every day on this walk, but you’ve never seen him at all. Or have you? You somehow can’t picture him at all — was he tall or short, clean-shaven or bearded? Perplexed, you turn around — and that’s when a giant evil beetle descends and bites you in half.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Nothing bad happens to you on Friday, actually. But on Sunday, you get attacked in the bathroom by a knockoff, store-brand serial killer. And buddy, you’d better not lose that fight, ‘cause if you get slashed by Eddy Cougar, you’re not getting a funeral.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Also Frankenstein.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): A hissing noise. Footsteps. The sound of rank air dragging its way through a fetid and inhuman throat, lined with teeth. Heart pounding in your eardrums, you redouble your grip on the bathroom doorknob, waiting for the struggle. Suddenly, the sounds fade. Completely. It hasn’t left — it’s holding its breath, tiptoeing. You grip the handle, prepared to hold the door against its assault. You aren’t prepared for it to creep, slowly, out of the vent behind the sink.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): You’ll be walking alone on Friday night when you hear something. Startled, you turn, see it, existential dread flooding you as you realize: Man door hand hook car door.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): The trees will seem more gnarled that day, like so many elderly fingers clutching for youth. After your lab, it’s dark out. Between Sharp and Tyrell, the twisted oak creaks louder, but the wind is calm. Unnerved, you walk faster, until you trip on a shoelace. You hurriedly stoop to retie the shoe, only to see that your laces are fixed firm, and — mentally worn — you simply stare at your feet in confusion for a second. And a second is all it takes for the vines to creep around you again.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): This Friday, you will be playing Jackbox with friends, just like any other Friday. Some people asked if you wanted to go to a sports game or free live music event, or try walking to a funny facebook marketplace deal, but you told everyone no: it’s more fun when nobody makes memories. And then the apartment gets struck with lightning and you all die for being boring friends.
