While claims of $100 million were falsified, an incentive you can’t put a price on was proposed.
In a new statement, the University of Tulsa said that the real bribe was always “the friends we made along the way.” After profusely denying any incentive while trying to hide their blushes, the Board of Trustees did finally smile and say “all right, you got us. He promised we’d be BFF’s for life. Like, forever.” Giggling, they ran off towards the horizon singing “Rainbow Connection.” No word has been heard of them since.
To clarify, the rumor was that a candidate for the position of President of TU came with an incentive: if selected, each member of the board would get a teddy bear and five hugs, despite such gifts being strictly illegal under the “Girlfriend Reappropriation Act of 2008,” which strictly outlined teddy bears and hugs (considered a joint item) as only acceptable as a gift if given to a romantic partner. The board refused to comment (back before they ran off) on whether they were or were not in a polycule with the mysterious candidate, saying instead that “the situationship is complicated, and we’d rather not commit to anything publicly.”
It should be noted that one board member got up at this moment and shouted, with tears in his eyes, that if they didn’t want to commit then why would they play him like this, and ran out of the room, supposedly to confide to his group chat of friends what had just happened. It has been confirmed that shortly after the confrontation, the board member, despite the objections of his advisory group chat, did call the other board members asking to get coffee together “to try to figure things out.”
Despite the candidate being linked to many popular mean girls on campus, the board expressly denied considering him just because of that. “Just because we like the tea when we get it doesn’t mean we’re hunting it down,” said one board member who was doing his nails as he was being interviewed. “We are considering him just because, you know, he matches our vibe and he’s got cute instagram posts, that’s all, not because he knows exactly what happened between Jessica and her boyfriend last week.” No more questions could be asked of the board at this time, as everyone in the room started asking what exactly happened to Jessica.
The question of how the rumor started remains unanswered. However, recent faculty testimony makes it clear that there was some miscommunication. “What? They’re looking for a new president? What happened to Brad Carson? I thought he was still around, I was still sending him emails and everything,” one department head said. Another claimed that she had heard that the University of Tulsa was transitioning into a constitutional monarchy, with the winner of the next performative male contest being declared the head of the new royal family. The board did confirm that this was a possibility they had explored.
Sources who say they know the mysterious candidate deny claims that the only reason he was being thought of as a potential president was because he promised to be BFF’s with the board. “No, no, he’s just a friendly guy who happens to be connected to all the mean girls who drive Teslas they bought this year. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s made all sorts of promises that not only he’ll kiss them all good night for the next year, or deliver them all the tea when it’s hot to the touch.” The informant also brushed off rumors that the board parking lot was filled with Teslas, saying “What! They must be copying the mean girls’s style. That’s so, like, 2023, like, be original, for gosh’s sake.”
The search for the board after their collective run towards the horizon is still on, with some reports that they may even be in California by now and singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.” In the meantime, a legal panel is discussing the implications of the goodnight kiss promise and whether that would also fall under the Girlfriend Reappropriation Act as illegal behavior. The faculty still hasn’t been told anything, but at least all of us can find solace in the fact that some things never change.
